Baby Steps
by casfics
Summary: Brushing aside doubt and anxiousness, Ethan jumps to the responsibility of single father, largely coping well. Putting the past behind him, he sets out to make a better future for the fragment of remaining family he has - blood is thicker than water. Glueing things back together piece by piece, he is determined no obstacle will wedge between him and his little human.
1. The Prologue

_The Prologue_

The faint aroma of once-warm milk. Bitterly distinctive, there to remind him there was an ever-accumulating pile of washing up to do. But, there always was, no matter how many sinkfuls of bubbles he became elbow deep in.

Before Delilah, Ethan didn't know it was possible for powdered formula to even curdle. As he peered bleakly into the plastic bottle, he realised it was. It was impossible to tell when exactly it had been made up. A day ago. A few hours ago. It was impossible to tell.

She made squeaking noises in his arms, little hiccups. It no longer worried him. Though a medic, it had been disconcerting to hear the weird breath noises in the first days. He'd even taken her back in after they returned home from hospital. That in itself caused a few raised eyebrows.

"Absolutely fine", they said. "Involuntary", and "she'll grow out of it".

It had been ten months and two days exactly since that day, and it was still there. It was nothing more than a feature in their lives, a shred of normality if ever there was to be one.

It started when _she_ left. That was medically inexplicable, but logically plausible. Perhaps a coincidence. Also, perhaps not.

Ethan wished with every fibre of his being that the only lasting effect of _her_ departure to him was too, a squeaky noise. If only things could be that easy. He rested his chin atop of her downy blonde curls, lost in thought. They remained still for a moment before the baby wriggled. Almost capable of knowing his mind was elsewhere, determined to wrench him out of his thoughts and resume prime priority as always.

'Come on, little one.' He gently hoisted her onto one hip, lightly wiping a tea towel over the surfaces before pausing again and looking at her. 'We've somewhere to be tonight.'


	2. Chapter 1

_Chapter 1_

 _(thank you for all the lovely prologue comments, means so much to know there's interest in this idea! I always take suggestions and like hearing from everyone. I will do my best to PM all of the accounts that review and guest reviewers, I read and value what you have to say! hope you enjoy the first chapter)_

-x-

It had not been an hour Ethan wished to repeat.

The train late, the heavens opening, a squabble between passengers, a loud A3 poster with 'breast is best' in bold (as if Delilah had a choice). Best of all, awkward stares from a congregation of mothers, elegantly poised and prettily sipping from mugs, with perfect silent children, on knees or in highchairs, as he awkwardly manoeuvred the pushchair to a little dirty table in the corner by the window in the coffee shop they arrived at. Central meeting place, between where his 'love at first tap' date and he lived.

'Let me just wipe this for you.' A waitress enthused, leaning over and emanating a vomit-inducing, cheap perfume. It was as if he was conditioned to be nauseated at any fragrance that wasn't La Vie est Belle, the one _she_ wore.

Ethan tried not to breathe, but when she took longer than he thought, he exhaled rather noisily. She stopped, pulled a funny expression and left. With a grim sigh, he gently removed his glasses and wiped at the lenses with the cuff of his woollen jumper.

After placing them back on and composing himself for a second, he looked down into the pushchair.

Delilah stared, blinking back up at him. Her little arms were stiff, unmoving, pointed out horizontally in front of her in a comical fashion. It was October and it was chilly; Ethan had figured bundling her up in as many layers as he could find was only sensible.

'Let's take that off you, you're looking a bit pink.' He told her, as if she was really listening and would remotely care about being such a colour. Leaning forwards, he deftly unbuckled her, pulled off the bobble hat and peeled her out of the dotty 3-in-1 raincoat and the fleece underneath it, leaving her in an endearing lemon and blue striped onesie - the one that Max once said made her look like a boy - and nothing more.

'Shall we go and buy a drink?' He asked into the open. Delilah stared again, before lunging forwards and reaching a tiny index finger towards his lips. 'You want to know what daddy's saying? Do you?' He cooed.

Several women were now clasping their hands to their chest, simpering smiles plastered over their faces. He noticed out the corner of his eye with silent satisfaction. 'Come on then, let's go get a drink.'

He confidently walked over to the counter, baby clinging to his hip with podgy fingers splayed over his broad shoulder.

'Uh, right then.' He jiggled his daughter slightly, more out of nerves than anything else. 'What's it to be, Lilah?'

He mused over the menu. One upside to raising his daughter alone, he soon realised, was that there was no one to tell him no. Such a mentality was freeing - he didn't have to account to anyone else. It gave him a sense of autonomy and confidence.

'How about a babycino?' He looked at his daughter again, as if to consult her. Her green eyes, which were noticeably and, in his opinion, adorably too close together, were unfocused on him and more interested in the bright lights above the counter.

'Isn't she a bit-' The woman behind the till begun, dubiously.

'A bit what?' Ethan snapped, defensive to his detriment. 'It's only _warm_ milk.'

'A-a bit young, it's cow's milk, but Dad knows best hey?' She replied brightly.

'Uh, sorry, I- yeah. You're right. I keep wanting her to grow up too soon. I-I forget.' He shook his head slightly. 'Just a coffee, please.' He glanced at the baby, realising she'd last had a small bottle more than several hours ago. 'Some toast would be great too. Just lightly done.'

'4.75 then please.'

Ethan handed a crisp ten pound note over, then mumbled to keep the change. Flustered, the woman refused.

'Honestly, please. I worked in hospitality when I was younger. It's hard, and you don't deserve rude customers.' He gulped.

She gave him a small smile and passed over a metal stand with a card attached. 'This is your table number, I'll bring it over, it'll be about two minutes.'

As soon as she arrived, Ethan didn't know where to put his eyes. A short playsuit, crimped hair and full face of makeup was, he felt, unusual coffee shop attire.

'H-Hi.' He tried to smile, repositioning the baby on his knee. 'You must be Lauren?'

'Hi!' The woman smiled. 'Ethan and Delilah?'

'Yes, that's us!' Ethan replied, slightly too enthusiastically, pushing the plate of crumbs to the edge of the table. She raised an eyebrow in surprise, reaching out a hand to gently pinch the baby's cheek before taking the chair opposite.

Disapprovingly, Delilah curled herself into Ethan's chest, pressing the soggy toast soldier against his best jumper. He gave an apologetic chuckle. 'She's shy of strangers. Not that you're a stranger for long, hopefully. Not that you're strange either, you seem nice, I-'

'I'll just go get a drink and join you, won't be a minute!' She giggled, seemingly unphased by his stutters, something that was rare and refreshing.

Ethan was left to wait patiently, so he dabbed at the grease stain that the butter inflicted upon the material on his chest. After realising it was futile, he gave up, and sipped his drink every so often instead. It wasn't unpleasant, but it wasn't the nicest hot beverage he'd tasted in his thirty years of life. He felt bad for not offering to pay for Lauren's drink. However, she was the sort of fake-eyelash wearing, hair-extensions, bra-burning independent woman who 'don't need no man', as one of his drunken similar-aged patients had told him only a few days previous. And, it was the first date, so he reasoned he could stray from his gentlemanly ways and err on the side of caution.

In what seemed an incredibly short amount of time, Lauren was back. She greeted him with a laugh - it tinkling, high-pitched, the sort that was heard on soap operas from overly girly characters who usually had a job in the local pub.

'Bless her. She really is your double!'

'D'you think?' Ethan asked, looking down at the baby and back to the woman nervously.

 _All he could see was Alicia._

'Yeah, mirror image! It's uncanny.' She twiddled with a strand of hair, breathing out and pushing her chest forwards.

'So, uh, have you been before?' Ethan asked politely. Lauren's attention was diverted; she glanced round the shop, eyes darting from table to table almost in search of something.

'Oh? Sorry! Have I what?'

'Have you been here before?' Ethan repeated, hand resting heavily on his daughter's back.

'Oh, no. They're not really my scene! I like going out on the town more.' Lauren replied.

'Oh!' Ethan replied, finding it wryly funny that he'd already arrived at that conclusion. 'I just thought- well, I've never really tried internet dating. With having the baby, I'm restricted as to where I can go and what time. Plus, coffee shops are a good first-'

'So, you're a doctor then?' The woman asked, blinking rather too quickly for Ethan to be at ease.

'Uh, yes. Part time doctor, full time daddy to this one. It can be hard, but it's rewarding.' He gave a small smile and a nod to accompany it.

'Bet you don't struggle to clothe her and feed her.' Lauren said, gesturing towards the baby.

'No, not really.' Ethan agreed. 'Not really. Why do you ask that?'

She paused for a second. 'No, I'm just saying like. She must be lucky to have a rich daddy.'

Ethan's stomach lurched as realisation took hold.

'Yes, she's lucky, I suppose.' He mumbled plainly, with a little laugh and a shake of the head. It was oddly disappointing that the first date he should go on would be so painfully materialistic. An effort to move on and start afresh hitting him smack bang in the face. It wasn't _fair_.

'I'm sorry, I didn't realise it was this late. Way past this one's bedtime.' He begun, already out his chair

'Oh, it's a pity!' The woman said, though she didn't sound overly bothered and was too intent on scrolling her phone.

'Mm. Say bye bye to Lauren, Delilah.' Ethan said quietly.

'A little cuddle?' Lauren asked, outstretching her arms.

Hesitancy flashed over Ethan's face before he could disguise it. 'Uh, best not. I think. She's had a sniffle, probably still germsy.'

As he zipped the baby back into her coat and fastened the buckled of the pushchair nimbly, he berated himself for making excuses and for not standing up for himself. Still, he was Ethan. He was nice.

'Take care then.' He did an awkward sort of wave before pushing his daughter out the shop as fast as he could.

Questions buzzed round his mind as he trundled home. The last train had been cancelled, but he didn't mind the walk. He could have driven, but fuel was expensive and it was wasteful to use it when the train was cheaper. All extra money could be spent on the baby, so he was mindful about saving where possible.

It was dark and Delilah had been singing to herself for a while, babbling on until she fell asleep. He was filled with a warm fuzzy feeling in spite of the evening.

He was hopeless at dating, or his dates were always hopeless at suiting him. Nobody came close to Alicia, and when she left without a trace, she left a void. He didn't have the head space for another love.

Delilah had his heart now.

In truth, he knew being her dad made his aching feet and pounding head worth it.


	3. Chapter 2

Squeals escaped from behind him as he stirred a cup of tea.

Ethan looked over his shoulder, smiling to himself quietly. The baby sat on the rug, chewing at his keys and phone. He grimaced to think of the germs, but remembered he had to help her to be robust.

Eight in the morning, and the whole day stretched ahead of them until his night shift that begun in the early evening. He looked forward to the shift - it had been the first in almost a week, and training with Connie was due to resume.

A knock at the door.

His forehead creased, not expecting anyone. He walked towards it, unfastened the latch and pulled it up.

'Ah. Mrs Munroe.' He greeted briefly.

Her eyes moved from his tousled hair down to his mismatched socks, then back to his eyes again. Her lips pursed.

'Can I... help you, at all?' Ethan faltered.

'It's Jackie, by the way.'

The sharp blast of spearmint, mixed in with something he recognised but couldn't pinpoint.

'Ah. Right. I hadn't forgotten, I just thought it best to-'

'It's about the legal proceedings. Can I come in?' She said, but she had already crossed the threshold.

Though Ethan felt timid, he masked it with assertiveness. 'Ah, I would prefer it if we could do this here. What-'

'Not very hospitable.' She replied, sniffing, peering round him into the hallway.

Ethan nodded, shifting his weight to block her view. 'I'm trying to do what's best for my daughter, but-'

'My granddaughter.' Jackie asserted, running a hand through her hair and raising her eyebrows.

Giving an exasperated laugh, he looked to the ceiling and then met her eyes again, folding his arms. 'What... legal proceedings?'

'Rights of the grandparent.' She thrusted a document at him, which looked crinkled and leafed through. 'And I've got a solicitor.'

'Did you not think to maybe try and settle this amicably first? Legal advice really isn't necessary.'

'I tried many a time. Howard tried. It was met with awkwardness and hostility.' She said.

'I have not been hostile.' Ethan said, beginning to feel his chest tighten. 'I am doing the best I can for my little girl.'

'You're not.' She stated plainly. 'If you were, you'd let me see her.'

He ran his hand down his face, pausing for a moment. Jackie had seen Delilah once, and that was the day she'd been born. It had been an "unexpected" pregnancy, involving rushing into hospital and tests before it was concluded a baby was on the way. Although Ethan had heard and dealt with one case similar, it was almost a phenomenon. In the past, he'd always doubted mothers who claimed not to know. All of that soon changed when their worlds were turned around - for many days after, Ethan was left reeling.

In retrospect, Alicia's weird behaviour in the hours after the birth perhaps was indicative of the secret she'd kept for so long. He wondered if she had known, but she hadn't stayed round long enough for him to ask.

Yet still, he felt sorry for Jackie. She was the grandma, and Delilah didn't have a female figure in her life at all. Ethan knew he couldn't replicate one, but he tried his best to be mum and dad. It would be too messy to rope in anyone else, and would be a constant reminder that he was still very much involved with Alicia eternally whether he liked it or not. Delilah was already a living breathing reminder as it was.

'I am sorry, things are just too complicated.' He said finally.

She furiously dabbed at the back of her eyes and then attempted to speak, sounding choked.

'I don't even know her name. What she loves, what she does. What she even looks like?!'

Ethan's expression wobbled, conflicted. He hated to see another person so distraught. Trying to muster empathy yet remain cautious, he inhaled slowly before continuing. 'Her name is Delilah. She has blonde hair and green eyes. She likes bubbles and, and feet... and shiny things, especially bright lights. She's happy.'

Jackie paused, contemplating, smiling a little, then her eyes shone. 'I could help you. No offence, but you're a bloke. What twenty-something year-old male wants to bring up a baby? It's not easy.'

He laughed then, a little too harshly. 'I know it's not easy. I like a challenge.'

Delilah screamed from the next room, making him shudder. After standing there blankly for a minute, the woman in the doorway broke the silence.

'Well, go to her!' Jackie exclaimed.

'Yes, I will, y-you're right. Contract me on my work email, you'll find it on the hospital's website. Maybe we can discuss more then.'

Tears glistened in her eyes. 'This isn't over. I will do anything to see that girl.' She turned on her heel.

'I'm sure. I will repeat, I am doing what I think is right. Right now, I have a very well-nourished, contented little girl who is coming along very well. I will not shake the foundations of her life. I was passed from pillar to post as a child, and I need to be sure that people that matter to her are here to stay.' Ethan nodded, giving her a pitying look. He averted his eyes when he sensed her staring; prolonged eye contact made him uncomfortable at the best of times, never mind with his ex's mother.

His _ex_.

'Well, I brought her this. Even if her dad doesn't want to know, she deserves a piece of her family. This used to be mine, then her mam's. Found it when I was clearing out the attic.'

Before he could formulate a reply, she had turned and left. He didn't bother calling after her.

-x-

Ethan stared at the matted cuddly toy until his own eyes had nearly gone as glassy as its.

A small rabbit, faintly recognisable. Ears matter and chewed, it looked like it had been loved. Delilah had her own little elephant, Nelly. She didn't need another comfort object. He managed to resist the bizarre compulsion to hold it closer to his own chest.

As he dwelled over it, the baby had managed to wriggle over to Ethan and was reaching up, starfish hand outstretched, little sausage fingers with pink pearly seashell nails bent like a claw, ready to grasp. She wanted it.

He passed it over and watched her squeal in delight. It was a family thing alright. Ten months old, yet she seemed to know its significance. Complete and utter nonsensical madness.

He stayed, unmoving, watching as his daughter travelled slowly yet purposefully back to the rug. As much as he loved her, his daughter was an oddity. She wasn't very physical at all. She made little effort to bear weight and screamed blue murder if Ethan tried to insist - he was already wrapped around her little finger. Stranger still, she didn't crawl, and seemed to adopt a weird wriggle on her padded bottom. In spite of it all, he couldn't help but wonder how much he didn't know. Maybe that was what he used to do, or Cal used to do. Maybe it was what Alicia did.

All at once, he remembered about the tea. He downed it like a lukewarm shot, trying not to grimace. Whenever he found a spare thirty seconds to make a hot drink, the phone would ring or someone would knock at the door. In truth, he knew nothing was easy, and it was only the start of things to come.

Still, Delilah looked up at him almost inquisitively. A podgy hand was placed on his knee, levering herself up. Chubby cheeks tinged pink with effort, and she hissed with adorable determination.

A pause. 'Dada.' She babbled, then broke into a toothy grin.

Ethan sat forward with a start. 'What? Did you just- Delilah!'

Placing two arms under her sides, he hoisted her up with a flourish, stood up and spun around. Bewildered, the baby's arms flew up and a frown appeared on her face. Scattering butterfly kisses on top of her downy hair, he twirled her a little more with glee before finally coming to a stop.

'You are the _best_ kind of miracle, my little angel.' He said, gently swaying from side to side.

 _Everyone was missing out on so much._

'I hope you grow to... to accept the way that your life is. Everything I do, it's for you. Even those long nights, like tonight, where you have to go to Uncle Charlie's, or the times when I'm a bigger grumpy guts than you. Please trust that I'm doing my best.'


	4. Chapter 3

_January 1st, 2017_

Sunlight streams through the blinds, painting pillars of white on the coffee-coloured carpet. New year, new start. New baby. The first night they've all been together, and it's perfectly the start of a brand new chapter.

Ethan awoke to peace and quiet, but for the birds tweeting lazily. He's been conscious for a couple of minutes, but it's nice for him to wriggle toes in fresh sheets and think about the endless possibilities the year will bring.

He doesn't stop to think it's out of place for a blanket of silence in their flat, and that screams should be reaching his ears instead. It doesn't even fully register that that's what babies do. Alicia has taken care of all the night shifts, and he has had a beautiful seven hours of sleep. They haven't even named her yet. Alicia likes Paris or Brooklyn, but he's far too reluctant to agree - too common. He likes Delilah, but she is adamant it's an old woman's name. Neither know, but it's part of the fun to work it out. He's so new, so scarily yet blissfully ignorant to the wonders and thrills of being a parent. A year of teamwork and tiredness and tears, both happy and sad awaits. The prospect of life as it is now feels exhilarating to consider.

He turns, ready to kiss the woman aside of him awake and start the very first day of their life as a three. The sheets are wrinkled where she should be, but the scent of her moisturiser lingers in the air tellingly. His eyes travel to the bassinet next to the window. Also empty. He's alone in the room. No wonder it's quiet.

He tumbles out of bed and pads through into the lounge, sleep still clouding his vision. With both fatigue and excitement, he's left his glasses somewhere, and he knows he has no hope of finding his contacts amongst the piles of laundry and little vests. He can't blunder about anymore; he'll have to rely on his ears to guide him.

'Morning!' He calls. It echoes round the room, so he repeats himself for good measure. 'Morning!'

From where he's standing, he can half make out a tiny body, lying horizontally on the grand rocking chair. Curious, he walks over, deciding Alicia must be in the toilet. Still, it seems a strange place to leave a baby, even if you're tired.

A scrap of paper sits atop of the baby's chest. He barely even acknowledges her, even though she's still so new. The paper is more important. Why is it there? He grabs it, feeling his stomach lurch. Though scrawly and faint, if he squints, he can make it out.

' _Don't follow, this is what's right. Look after my little D x'_

With shaking fingers, he drops it and it flutters to the carpet below. Back to the baby, lying there like a rag doll. The happiness has soured. He feels sick.

-x-

'Evening. You look exhausted.' Connie commented, matter-of-factly. 'Close the door behind you.'

'When has the ordinary ever been news? Ethan replied, pulling out the chair at the opposite end of the desk and sitting down steadily, smartening the creases in his shirt. 'I'm sure you remember all too well the sleepless nights.'

 _Great. Well done, bring up Grace._

Both tensed, while Connie's lips tightened and pressed together thinly in a smile.

'I do.' She gave an honest nod, much to his relief. 'Reach out though, it's hard on your own.'

He swallowed hard. 'We manage.'

'I'll have her one night soon.' She said, steepling her fingers on the desk.

Ethan guessed it was her way of trying to show care and concern. Yet still, it felt the slightest bit odd.

'Uh, oh no, I couldn't possibly. She's a nightmare, will have you up and down every hour.' He lied.

She laughed lightly at Ethan, the way you'd respond to a child who'd said something funny. 'Which baby isn't? My offer will always stand, anyway. I know I'm not exactly familiar with your baby, but the health and well-being of my staff matters to me. You need to sleep.'

'That's very kind.' He replied solemnly. 'Very kind indeed. I keep meaning to bring her in to see everyone.'

'How old is she now? Eight months?'

'Ten.' Ethan corrected. 'Time stops for no one, eh?'

'Certainly doesn't.' She mused, quiet and contemplative now. 'All of this leads me nicely on to the topic I was wanting to chat with you about.' She crossed her arms over her chest and offered a small smile. 'I think you're ready.'

His eyebrows knitted together, forehead creasing, and he shifted forwards with intrigue. 'Uh, I don't follow.'

'The exams. You are competent and able, and you're already a fully fledged consultant in my eyes.'

'Wow. Uh, high praise.' His lips twitched at the corners.

She just smiled, rising from her chair and turning to the shelves behind her. 'They are on Monday at 9:00am. I have entered you.'

'M-Monday?'

'Yes. Four days to prepare yourself, but you're already ready.'

'It's incredibly soon, how long have you known?' He asked, eyes on stalks.

'Since yesterday, although I got confirmation today. You're capable, Ethan. You've been working several months now and intensely training. I've seen you blossom and I know you will do just fine.'

'I appreciate the vote of confidence, b-but...' He stammered.

'There will never be a _right time_.' She coolly intervened, deftly taking charge of the situation. 'The best time to start anything new is now.'

'And what if I don't pass? Then it'll be a knock, and harder to build back up to a level where-'

'You will still be a highly qualified member of my department with further examination practice and training under your belt. Look, we both know that we could speculate on "what ifs" for days, but we would get nowhere.' She said, certainty embroiled in her tone.

'I just-'

'Of course, it isn't mandatory...' Connie skilfully chose an alternate approach, locking eyes with Ethan this time. The ball was in his court. Uncertainty flashed across his face, before he masked it with sudden decisiveness.

'Alright. You're right. It would be a marvellous opportunity. I will need to sort childcare out for Delilah though, I think Charlie and Duffy are both working, and the nursery does close at 6, and...'

'Obviously that's a priority too. It just so happens that I'm not working both of those days. Let me take her, and you worry about you for once.'

'I can't accept, I-'

'Contrary to popular belief, I can be maternal when I want to be.' She raised an eyebrow, sitting back on her swivel chair.

'Oh no, I don't doubt your abilities. It's just I feel terrible, and there's a fine line between positive working relationships and what's appropriate. I want us to keep a good professional rapport, and not have the boundaries addled by trivial things like our own personal lives...' Ethan said.

'We're friends, aren't we?' She replied.

'Friends?' He repeated.

She appraised him for a second, before giving a short laugh. 'You think too much, Dr Hardy.'

'Yes, so people say.' He sighed. 'If you're _absolutely_ sure it's no trouble...'

'I wouldn't have offered otherwise. It will be nice.' She said lightly.

'Yeah, um... Delilah, she's... she's going through a clingy stage. I don't know if it'll last, or... I can come an hour before if that would-'

'Bring her over at 4 on Sunday afternoon, then I'll bring her to the ED after your exams to meet you on Monday. Pack her formula and anything else she'll need. Maybe you can stay a while, so she familiarises herself that way.' Connie said.

He nodded. 'That sounds perfect, thank you.'

'As for the exams, skim over what you already know. Rewrite those notes you made with me. Maybe go out to the pub, spend some time with friends, have some downtime. Life shouldn't be a constant cycle of work.'

Ethan's eyebrows raised before he could stop them.

'I know that makes me a hypocrite of the worst kind, but I mean it. I'm in bad habits of working too hard - it pushes people away. Don't do the same.' She said quietly.

'Yes, wise words.' He agreed, mind wandering slightly to all the people he'd managed to push away already. 'Uh, long term, what will these exams mean? Other than the status.' He asked.

The way Connie pursed her lips and smirked slightly oddly put Ethan at ease; she liked him and she saw his potential, that was clear. 'Well, uh, the status, as you say. Tremendous responsibility like never before. Many more opportunities, mentoring responsibilities, higher band means higher salary, and all sorts of exciting and challenging cases that you call the shots on. Prepare to have the word "rewarding" completely redefined.'

He couldn't help but feel a tinge of excitement. Though so sudden, an opportunity had landed on his doorstep with the potential to enhance his whole career and life.

'I-I'm incredibly grateful, Mrs Beauchamp, for all the time you've spent with me training me to the level I am today. This is all down to you.'

'No, Ethan.' Connie shook her head, quiet now. 'This is all down to you.'


	5. Chapter 4

Ethan's best shoes crunched on the gravel as he walked up the driveway. He was suited from head to toe. Although visiting someone's house, dressing smartly felt imperative under the circumstances.

The walk from his parked car to the house felt like a mile, especially with the travel cot, car seat, the baby bag and Delilah all jumbled under one arm. He'd been once before but it didn't stop him from taking it all in afresh. After all, he had new eyes now. It was a grand house, almost a mansion. He wondered how she filled the vast rooms with just one person, spending half their life there and the other half in a hospital.

By the time he reached the door, he was gasping for breath. His lungs heaved as he managed to stretch and press the doorbell.

Connie opened it, surprisingly unpristine and bordering on dishevelled. Her hair sat loosely in a knot on top of her head, while loose-fitting bobbly clothes hung off her shoulders.

She smiled warmly, glancing from him to the baby. 'Do come in. Wipe your feet.'

There was still a, however faint, presence of coldness in the manner she addressed him. However, the accompanying smirk relaxed him somewhat, and so he dropped the luggage on the oak floor and removed his shoes properly. Delilah protested, so he set her down on the floor and continued much more quickly with both hands.

'Hey!' He hissed, noticing his daughter had managed to ascend the staircase at lightning speed. As if she would listen. She couldn't even talk.

Connie reemerged from the kitchen, armed with a tray of scones. 'I've done a bit of baking, go on through into the lounge.'

'I would, but-' Ethan pointed awkwardly to the baby, who had paid no heed to him and continued to manoeuvre herself up the stairs.

Wry amusement flashed across her face. 'Go and get her then.'

'Oh, I can?' Ethan begun, before trailing off after realising how pathetic he sounded.

'Well, be my guest. Unless you're happy for her to amuse herself upstairs while we chat.' Connie smiled once more.

'Of course. Delilah...' He lightly scolded, as he climbed to where she was in three easy strides. He bent to scoop her up with one splayed palm. This caused her to scream, while he winced apologetically for the noise and went into the main room after the clinical lead.

He sat down, carefully placing the baby on his knee, while she continued to grizzle.

'Sure you know what you're letting yourself in for?' He joked.

She smiled genially, offering the tray to him. Politely, he took a scone and begun to chew it. Delilah didn't miss this and reached up quickly, trying to peel his index finger off the scone.

'You could have one if there were no sultanas in them.' Connie said, gently reaching forward to tickle her chin in a bid to distract her. In response, the baby wriggled and squirmed. Ethan let her down on the carpet with his car keys to play with.

'This is really good.' He complimented. 'This one, well! She eats anything and everything at the moment. I'm just starting her, but she can have banana, porridge, toast, yoghurt and the little fruit pouches that are in the bag. She likes a bottle in the morning, about 6oz, 3oz at lunch and then 5 ounces again before bed. Big on the milk.' He explained, looking down fondly.

'She's very sweet. Double of her daddy.'

'Ah!' Ethan blushed. 'Do you not think she's like...'

'Uh, I mean, it's difficult to say.' Connie delicately nibbles at her own scone. 'Not strikingly. Though, you and Alicia don't look wildly dissimilar.'

'Genetics, hey?' Ethan replied brightly, dodging any conversation that he knew would follow.

Either missing the hint or purposefully using it to her advantage, Connie leaned forward. 'Have you heard from her?'

He nearly choked, the crumbs drying up unpleasantly in his throat. As he spluttered, he shook his head.

'Not once. Probably for the best.'

'And what if she does return?' Connie asked, seemingly deviating from her usual standard of tact and quietness.

'I don't think she will.' He replied. 'Not now.'

'It's only been ten months, Ethan.' She said, something new in her eyes that he didn't recognise at first. Sympathy.

 _She had a point. But he didn't want to think. Not yet._

'I know Alicia, though.' He replied bitterly, trying to believe himself. 'I know her and what she is like and I do not think she's returning.'

'Did you never get in touch with the police?' She asked.

He shuffled, dislodging the cushion from behind his back. 'Course I did. They didn't do anything. She went of her own volition, and if a person doesn't want to be found, then you have to let them get lost.'

His words lingered in the air, before Connie gave a slow thoughtful nod.

'Quite the philosopher, aren't you?'

'No, quite the contrary. Philosophy is just a bunch of theories people have to comfort them about something they'd rather wasn't happening. A way of trying to justify things with no explanation, cause people can't settle with simply not knowing.'

Amusement appeared on her face. 'Quite the cynic, then. I must say, we're kindred spirits Ethan.'

If platonic flirting was a thing, he was sure she was capable of it. He frowned a little, yet felt relieved that the subject had changed. Out the corner of his eye, he saw Delilah had shuffled towards Connie and was sitting by her leg.

'Clingy baby? Are you sure? So far, I've seen a perfectly behaved and perfectly sociable little girl. Except for the stairs escapade, of course. That said, Grace was capable of far worse.' She said, with a gentle smile as she leaned to pick the baby up.

He pulled a face, emotion clouding in his eyes. 'Ah... where's my little, dependent daughter gone?'

'Bit of girl power, isn't it, Delilah?' Connie whispered, jiggling her on her knee while she begun to chuckle.

Ethan watched on fondly, realising the benefits of his daughter's little sleepover were very mutual. 'I might creep off while she's smiling.'

'If there's anything you can think of, just text me.' She gave him a knowing look, accompanied by a little smile.

'I will.' He relaxed. 'If she becomes poorly, or if she has a temperature, ring me straight away. I've packed some Calpol just in case. It's the infant fever suspension one. It says she can have five millilitres, but I normally stick to three. I-'

'You are forgetting my profession.' She reminded. 'But of course. Don't worry, she will be more than fine. My final advice is to you for the exams is to rest up, don't burn out tonight. Relaxing is the best thing you can do for yourself. You know everything you need to. Have faith in yourself.'

'I will. Thank you, a hundred times, thank you.'

'Welcome.' She replied quietly. 'Now sneak off before she notices you're going.'

He laughed lightly. 'I'll message later on. That travel cot, by the way, is an absolute nightmare to erect. I find myself battling with it regularly, even when we don't need it. Its dimensions are all out. Beggars belief, really, I paid enough for the contraption.'

Connie chuckled in response, recognising his attempt at comic relief.

'I'm sure we'll manage. Rest up, eat a good breakfast, and keep that faith. I sound like a stuck record, but I haven't spent all these years doing what I do and neglected to pick up any pearls of wisdom.'

'Okay.' He dithered in the doorway, half smiling.

'Go on!' She exclaimed. 'Or you'll never leave.'

 ** _Bonnie Sveen Fan: Thank you! I'm glad you like Delilah. As for Alicia coming back or not, we'll all have to wait and see! It's a possibility but wonder how Ethan would react to that?_**

 ** _casslourocks: I was aiming for that, so I'm grateful you noticed. He is quite a conflicted character so it can be tricky, as I'm sure you'll know, to try and get the balance in writing. Much appreciated as always._**

 ** _ReadingxTherapy: You are too too kind! Thanks so much, I always love reading your reviews and they often make my day. I did hate the idea of him being alone and thought it would be an interesting way to give him another relative. Lonely Ethan is awful to watch on screen._**

 ** _InfinityAndOne: Glad it's a hit and that you like it - your comments mean so much to me as I've always loved reading your stories too. Was struggling to think of a name that went with 'Hardy', and Delilah seems a sensible one haha._**

 ** _Panic-at-casualty: So incredibly kind - thank you. The dialogue I write is what I often doubt so this has made me feel lots better haha. I feel like he is such a caring character that being a daddy comes naturally to him - he has become almost mother and father to his daughter and so he's really feeling the attachment. Support is appreciated and pleased to know you like it so far._**

 ** _Guest: Cheers! More Connie and Ethan coming up. She is portrayed as quite a strict and cold character in Casualty, but I'm keen to almost unearth that front as I think deep inside she cares for Ethan a lot. She'll definitely be a pillar of support for him, especially through his career progression. Let me know what you think to this one :-)_**


	6. Chapter 5

Ethan's blood beat in his ears, intensifying, growing louder. As his heart rate increased, he became acutely aware that success was not at his fingertips as long as he remained so nervous. Taking deep breaths like he'd always been reminded to, he scribbled an answer to the last question before gently placing his pen down and waiting.

The invigilator cleared his throat once before pacing over to his desk, muttering 'You are dismissed as soon as you finish.'

Gladly, Ethan rose, almost stumbling on the chair leg on the way out.

As promised, he was greeted with Connie and his daughter.

'How did it go?' She asked, eyeing him up and down straight away.

'I'd like to say well, but... the last question...' He begun, running a hand down his face and exhaling heavily.

'Not your usual exam attire, I must say.' She nodded at his business-like suit.

'Oh. Best to be formal, I figured. Look the part, feel the part. I never have been able to focus in my joggers.'

She smiled lightly, hoisting the baby up. 'Well, that's just like you. I'm sure you've done fine, anyway.'

He tutted, doubting himself, before feeling awkward and channeling this emotion to address his daughter instead. 'Hello, sweetheart...' He moved to tickle underneath her chin, causing her to outstretch her arms. He looked back up at Connie before continuing. 'Thank you. How has she been?'

'No trouble whatsoever. She slept for seven hours.' Connie smiled thinly.

'Seven hours?' He repeated incredulously, almost seeming disappointed.

'Yes.' She replied, wryly amused. 'Maybe she just enjoys waking her dad up in the night.'

'She must - my goodness! She's never slept more than four hours solid for me!' He huffed.

'I must just have the knack then.' She said smugly.

'You must!' He agreed. 'Well, you're always welcome to have her...'

The pair of them laughed lightly for a moment until he reached for the baby. She protested, balling her little fists at his chest.

'Look at her now, she's furious!' Connie remarked.

'Oh Delilah, it's your daddy! Have you forgotten already? It hasn't been long.' He moved to kiss her and ended up missing as she jerked in the opposite direction. As she turned, he inhaled a fabric softener alien to the one he bought. She smelled different - good different. It was almost homely, like he'd want her to come back after visiting grandparents. He was more than happy for Mrs Beauchamp to become substitute grandma - in fact, he was rather fond of the idea the more he considered it. Much better than the Munroes. Much _safer_. No risk of anyone wiggling their way back in and upsetting the balance again.

Connie smiled warmly, watching him interact with the baby until the buzz of her phone broke the silence that had formed between them all. 'I'm so sorry, I need to get this. It's Hanssen. I-I'll catch you later.' She dropped the bags quickly and headed off, with an apologetic backward glance.

Ethan was left there, in the corridor, knowing of her tendency to be abrupt but wondering all the same why she'd darted off so quickly. All the same, he knew how demanding such an important role was. Being high up in the medical sector carried responsibility and expectation. With excitement, he remembered that could be him. If the exams had gone well. _If_.

His eyes travelled to the linoleum floor, where the all-too-familiar luggage sat by his feet. It was time to go home.

-x-

With a weary sigh, he slumped on the sofa. It was 2am, and he couldn't be cross with Delilah, not really. The night before, he had managed a peaceful six hours of rest thanks to the weight of nighttime duty being lifted off his shoulders.

Little limbs tried to twine with with his, scrabbling around in the dark. Desperate for comfort. Desperate for something.

'Shh, shh...' Ethan soothed, willing her to quieten. He was clumsy and she wriggled even more, beginning to grizzle, a specific cry she only made when she was particularly overtired. As he rocked her gently between his chest and tree-trunk forearm, he wondered if Connie had been economical with the truth.

Delilah begun to scream, surpassing grumpiness and reaching a state of anger he had no power to attenuate.

'Please, please, please...' He whispered into her ear, continuing with the gentle rhythmic rocking that he wasn't entirely sure was helping.

If she could, he knew she'd tell him exactly why she was so angry. Idly, he wondered if he was cushioned by the bubble of the unknown. Her language was at highs, giggles, and at lows, cries. The occasional babble that he could pretend was his name also slipped out. Though she was wonderful, words would give her pathways to ask questions that he wouldn't have the answers to - questions that would sting.

 _Where is my mummy? Why don't you know why I'm so sad tonight? What's going on, daddy? Do you even know?_

After a minute - or maybe several - had lapsed, the noise slowly subsided.

'That's better,' He whispered. 'Milk coming, darling.'

He splashed it onto his own wrist as usual, feeling the lukewarm liquid trickle down and form tiny pearls on the back of his hand.

She seemed to relax into his arms as he eased the teat into her mouth slowly.

Certainly, she was babied. In the back of his mind, he knew children shouldn't wake up for feeds in the night past around half a year old. Delilah had never stopped though, and although it left him exhausted, it felt cruel to wean her off it. Selfishly too, it felt like bonding. The entire world was sleeping and they were awake. That in itself was special.

Her eyelids flickered; fluffy blonde eyelashes attached at the ends so perfectly. Green eyes disappeared completely in rest, and he was left alone in his contemplative state. In fascination, he watched attentively as she suckled. Every movement was so natural; rhythmic and intricate in its own right. She was a work of art. It would be subtracting from her awe to merely refer to her as art though, rather a beauty. A _creation_. A product of something much greater than bland old him.

They sat together under the blankety sea of night sky, sheltered only by the roof. All those tiles formed a largely insubstantial barrier - they were in no way distanced from the world around them. In fact, they were hauntingly close to the roaring city outside. But that was good. Ethan liked it that way. Separated enough to be private, close enough to dissolve all loneliness.

Back to the weight in his arms. Yet a stranger to the world, she was so tiny, yet such a driving force in his own life. Having her in his arms gave him warmth and safety. He wondered if she felt it too.

He hoped so.


	7. Chapter 6

He pushed the metal frame of the swing a little too forcefully, distracted and scrolling his phone. More specifically, the dating site to check that his date was still meeting them. His third date from the site, and third time lucky, he hoped. It was funny how becoming a parent had changed him. Before his daughter was born, he'd look on and silently judge parents who found themselves distracted when looking after a little one. It seemed odd to him that you'd focus on anything other than your little person, but he'd quickly grown to realise that social network offered a platform of much needed escapism. Even from the little things. It had nothing to do with how much you loved them.

He glanced upwards to see a woman trundling a pushchair towards the swing, realising after a couple of seconds that it was Robyn.

'Hi!' He smiled a little, posting his phone into his trouser pocket.

'Hey guys!' She grinned back.

Ethan watched out the corner of his eye as she unfastened her toddler and easing her into the neighbouring swing.

'So, what brings you two here?' He asked, making painfully rubbish small talk. Luckily, Robyn wasn't the judgmental sort and didn't ridicule him for the silly question.

'Well, the swings are Charlotte's favourite. We don't often come though, something always gets in the way. But, mummy's come to meet someone today...'

'Oh?' Ethan asked, only half listening, a smile flickering whenever he heard Delilah chuckle.

'Yeah, well, I figured I'd have to look for someone soon. Time to move on from Glen and all.' She said breezily.

'That's true,' He agreed. 'True indeed.'

A few moments passed by, filled by nothing but birds tweeting and the occasional giggle from either little girl.

'You seem distant, Ethan.' She said.

'Distant?' He repeated, swallowing hard. 'Uh, no. No. Sorry, I'm just a little tired.' He admitted, sensing a thin film of perspiration on his brow.

'It's not easy being a single parent, I should know.' She commented quietly, oblivious of his nerves.

'It's not. But it's rewarding in the end, right?'

'Yeah, I guess. That's what I keep thinking anyway.' A pause. 'They're late.' Robyn frowned then, checking her watch a second time.

'What time did you agree to meet?' He asked casually, the lump growing again.

'Three latest, before it gets dark.' She replied, screwing her face up, puzzled.

'Funny. I was going to meet someone at three.' He remarked flatly.

'Coincidences, eh?'

Neither looked the other in the eye, and both continued to push their daughters. It was embarrassing for them both. Trying to start afresh was no mean feat, and it had already taken bravery on her part to disclose the fact she was even looking for another partner to someone she knew so well.

'So, uh, _bluebell500_ , h-how about a coffee?' He suggested, expression emanating sympathy and warmth.

'A coffee?' She echoed quietly. 'I-'

'It's not as if either of us are going anywhere else.' His glance travelled upwards to the dusky winter sky, and then back to her and the toddler in a snowsuit. His eyebrows raised, eyes glittering. 'If we're quick, we'll get there before it gets dark.'

'Why didn't you mention you had a child on your profile?' He asked, feeling his throat was coated with chalk. Questions were never easy. Remembering about the children, he glanced round to check on them. They'd left them at the table on purpose; it was much easier than dragging them up to the counter and the cafe was empty. Charlotte had remained asleep in the pushchair, head lolling sweetly, while Delilah sat pummelling her fists on the grubby highchair tray.

'Well, I guess it turns most men off. Somehow, you're instantly less appealing when you have a child.' She muttered awkwardly, tracing the ledge of the bar with a finger, collecting dust.

'If we hadn't known one another, it could have worked. We're friends though, aren't we? You need to keep some friends in life as just that.' He thanked the lone barista with a nod and passed her the ceramic mug.

She gave a nod morosely, then attempted a smile. 'Thanks for the drink.'

'Not a problem.' He took his own with a steady hand, feeling his stomach lurch when he looked down and saw the empty baby carrier strapped to his chest. With relief, he realised he'd left her at the table.

In the best part of thirty years that his heart had been beating, it had only stopped three times. Once when he found out about the gene. Once when Cal died. Once when Alicia left.

The fourth time was unmistakable and unforgettable. It didn't just cease to beat, but rather felt as if it had been torn out of his chest.

The highchair was still there, stationary and unmoved as far as he could tell. But, no Delilah.

She was gone.


	8. Chapter 7

_Guest : Glad you like!! All your comments are appreciated._

 _A : Thank yaaa! Me too! We'll have to wait and see._

 _Bonnie Sveen Fan: I love long reviews, so don't worry haha. Ethan is in a state bless him, but he's the sort of person who always would be in a situation like that. Hope you like the update. _

_TheBeautifulNerd : Thank you lovely! _

_ReadingxTherapy : I really like Robyn too! She and Ethan have their daughters in common so I saw a pathway for a friendship there! Thank you for your comment about the imagery, that really made me smile._

 _InfinityAndOne : Ahh cheers! More Connie in later chapters. Ethan just wants to do well, as always, but will have to see on the consultant front. He's more concerned about his daughter in the short term! Support is so valued._

 _(I am so grateful to all you lovely readers for your suggestions, comments and general appreciation of my writing. I am loving doing this one and trying to update regularly. I'm super busy so thank you all for your continued patience and loooove. This chapter in particular was heartbreaking to write)_

 _ **TW: Mild suggestive themes/depression references/moderate language**_

'Wait, Jackie!'

His eyes glittered in the waning light that the streetlamp offered.

'Why should I wait?' She pulled open the car door forcefully. 'I've nothing more to say to you.'

'I'm not blaming you!' He called breathlessly. 'I just know how much you wanted to see her.'

'I wouldn't take a child from its parent, Ethan. I'm not a lowlife. Neither would Howard, and I don't even speak to him anymore.' She retorted.

His face grew hotter. 'It just seems an awful coincidence that-'

'You're just trying to blame someone, but that won't detract from the hurt you're feeling!' Jackie replied, shaking her head as if he was crazy. Her own expression was twisted with pity now, and he firmly realised that his temper was fuelled by not hearing what he wanted to.

He _wished_ Jackie had Delilah. Oh, he did. If not, where was she?

His blood ran cold, before acceptance washed over him. 'Yeah.' He agreed bleakly. 'Yeah, you're right.'

'Look, I'm so sorry-' She begun.

'No, don't be. You have nothing to apologise for.' He said morosely. 'If you hear anything about Alicia's whereabouts, let me know.'

Her expression wavered noticeably. 'I don't think it's her. She wouldn't.'

'Not overly helpful.' He replied bitterly. 'Please. She's been missing twelve hours now. I am out of my mind. I wasn't as bad as this when my actual brother died, Jackie. Say you'll do anything you can to help. This is my eleven month old child.'

Seemingly won over, she gave a nod. 'I will, sweet. It's terrible. Try not to assume the worst.'

'Oh, I am trying.' He replied, swallowing hard and climbing into his car. Again, but under his breath. 'I'm trying.'

-x-

A thud.

Her hold all landed just by his socked toes. Uncomfortable, he pressed the soles of his feet harder into the scratchy mat he stood on. Neither spoke, both stared.

After a lifetime, she finally spoke. 'So, you decided to do the exact two things I specified not to.'

'Meaning?' He folded his arms, trying not to appear wavered by her presence. She looked bedraggled, and thinner too, but very much the same. Very much her.

'Well,' Alicia invited herself in, not even bothering to wipe her shoes. 'For a start, I told you not to contact me. That was pretty clear.'

'But-' Ethan begun.

'And what happened to looking after her? Great job.'

He laughed harshly, throwing a baby vest aside. 'You wouldn't have done any better.'

'No, I wouldn't.' She agreed quietly. 'Sort of why I left in the first place, I knew I wasn't up to it.'

'So you assumed I was? Like I could jump and squeeze myself into the mould of perfect parent, even though I don't really fit there? Except I didn't have a choice, did I? I had to force my arms and legs into the cookie cutter outline of fatherhood and step up to the mark. All alone.'

She swallowed, forehead creased with confusion. 'You talk in riddles.'

'No, no I don't. I'm figuratively speaking, Alicia, to try and illustrate my point. I don't have any real words to be able to share with you how tough these past 11 months have been.' He shook his head.

'Look, you wanted help to find our baby, and here I-'

'My baby.' He spat. 'She's mine. There are countless police looking for her, I've been trawling the streets for the past twelve hours. No excuse to avoid difficult questions.'

She sighed, looking up to the ceiling. 'The baby. You wanted help to find her, otherwise you wouldn't have tried calling 27 times last night.'

'I concluded you weren't even on that number anymore.' He furthered, falling silent.

She averted her eyes. 'Let's say I had my reasons.'

'Oh, did you? Cause I'd love to hear them. In fact, no I wouldn't. I tried, Alicia. I _tried_. I was desperate to hear your voice in the first few weeks. I called five times every night. A massive part of me knew deep down it was hopeless, but I didn't want to give up on you. Even though you gave up on us.'

She stood solemnly, helplessly, his words just bouncing off the surface of her, shell of a person.

'How easy do you think it is to walk away from your family? It isn't easy, in fact, it's _really_ fucking hard.' The crack in her voice was audible.

He winced, hearing the expletives escape her lips, before his expression transformed when recognition of her words took hold.

She continued, seemingly riled even more. 'You present me as this careless, cold woman. I tried to act in everyone's best interests, but you never stopped to consider that! All you were thinking about was why I abandoned _you_ to do it by yourself. That's selfish!'

'Selfish?' He laughed. 'You've got some nerve.'

'All you cared about was your little girl having her mother back. You yearned for the role I was meant to do, and not me.' She said.

He felt like he'd been punched. 'Shows how much you know me.'

'It's plain to see.' She sighed, anger ebbing. 'Everything boils back down to her. I knew it would when-'

He didn't miss a beat. 'When what?'

'Leave it.' She sucked her teeth, running a hand through her hair.

'I was worried about you too. It seems crazy to me that you can even entertain the notion I wasn't. Of course I was.'

'Then why are you tearing me to shreds? All this anger is bubbling up inside you, and it's all directed at me. All of it.'

He nodded, thoughtful. 'I am angry, yeah.'

'Then it's best if I leave. I don't have her, Ethan. I wouldn't have taken her. I wouldn't even know what she looks like.' Her eyes searched the walls behind Ethan for photo frames that she expected to sit there, but found the blank cream of wallpaper in their space.

'What, l-leave now?'

'Yes. I'm no good to you.' Apology swum in her eyes, before they fell to the floor. 'Please go find her, and then never let her go again.'

'I've found you though,' He argued. 'And you're about to slip away of your own accord.'

A pause, before she gave him a pitying look. 'You haven't found me, Ethan. You're not even close.'

His arms hung by his sides, helplessly staring at the door a few inches behind her. Once she was gone, that was it.

A last surge of adrenaline caused him to take a couple of steps in her direction. 'D'you know what? Y-you're not even giving this a chance. Not one bit of you is fighting for me or the life you've left behind.'

'Don't, Ethan.' A sob rose in her throat, infiltrating the accented voice that had been absent for so long. 'Please don't.'

She was inches in front of him, and he had the capacity to break her. ' _You_ are the selfish one! You're just reflecting everything on me. Whatever reason you have isn't adequate for missing out on so much. Delilah's first smile, learning to crawl, first tooth, her first word...'

Her cheeks grew damp and she cleared her throat, though he took no graceful pauses and so she couldn't intervene.

'You just clicked the opt out button. As much as you believe I don't care about you, I'm finding it hard to see how you have ever cared about me. Ever.'

A long pause.

Their lips clashed together, not desire, but dizzy and urgent need born from pent up emotion. He kissed her, she kissed him, and they stumbled clumsily through into where it all started 20 months before.

-x-

His heart was breaking in different places, while she seemed to silently understand she was worming her way underneath the skin he thought he'd shed when she left.

Both had abandoned words, lying very still on the mattress. Quite frankly, there were no words that would do anything justice. Every verbal option had been exhausted.

He managed a sigh, resting a palm on the small of her back.

He was broken out of his thoughts abruptly when sensing wet on the plane of his chest. Tutting slightly, a thumb expertly moved to collect the drops from her cheek.

'Tell me, Alicia.' He said, voice gravelly.

'I- there's nothing to say. We're both selfish individuals, we've recognised that.'

'Never mind that.' He exhaled steadily. 'I mean, tell me why. I need to know.'

'You don't need to know. What's it to you? You stopped caring.'

'That isn't true.' He replied quietly. 'I never stopped.'

'I knew about the baby - Delilah - from being about six months pregnant. I tried not to think about it. I know that's foolish, but it was a shock. I didn't want to think. If you don't acknowledge it out loud, it doesn't have to be real.' She explained, voice soft.

'Did you go for any scans?' He asked.

'No,' She shook her head. 'Again. If you ignore something, it doesn't have to be real. Until it is and it's born.'

'Why?' He asked, unjudging, hand naturally going to rub her back. The last love of his life, but much smaller, had laid in the same place only hours earlier, and that was exactly what he'd done to soothe her too.

She gulped. 'I don't know. I was sad. I didn't feel ready to be a mother. I felt scared, as if there was no way out. Having something grow inside you seemed to mean my own life was over. I knew if she wasn't inside, I'd still feel that way. Things just felt different and it made me want to escape.'

He paused, unable to fully detach the doctor side of him. 'Did you consider prenatal depression?'

Then a sigh. 'Eventually. I was so down, but I couldn't tell you why because then you'd know about the baby. If everyone knew, they'd think I was insane for being so upset at what should be such a happy time.'

'Those are all classic signs.' He informed her, then fell quiet again, thinking of everything that could have gone terribly worse.

'I couldn't tell you. It was like there was a block. It made me feel sick.'

'I should've noticed.' He said.

'You weren't to know.'

'That's a weak excuse. I knew you so well, or at least I thought I did.' His voice wobbled slightly.

'You did.' She said. 'You knew me better than anyone. Don't beat yourself up over it, you were grieving your brother. It looked to anyone who noticed that I was just missing him too. That's why I had to go. I- a baby deserves better.' She said.

He paused. 'Did you love her? That first night?'

'Oh, Ethan...' She sighed, wistful. 'Love doesn't even come close. I have a photo of her under my pillow, I look at it every day.'

Though a good listener, he couldn't fathom her reasoning behind things much as she explained. 'It was a choice, you weren't resigned to that. You could've stayed. Nobody tore you away but yourself.'

'You still don't get it.' She said, sounding defeated. 'It wasn't my choice.' Her eyes travelled to the cot in the corner of the room, then out the window, noticing the rising sun was spilling into colours of reds, pinks and yellows.

'But-'

'Just leave it.' She said, fatigued herself.

'Look at us now. My child is missing and this is what I've done, and with you, I- it's unforgivable.'

'As you say, the police are looking. You're capable of many things, but you can't find her singlehandedly.'

'I'm a bad man. I've failed her. I should at least be out looking-'

'Stop this. You- you're entitled to be you for a while. You're tired, try to get some sleep. You've not slept all night, have you?'

He looked down at her, studying her face carefully for a second. 'Neither have you.'

'I haven't slept in a while, this has nothing to do with it.' She said quietly.

'Alright.' He said, seeing straight through the lie into a woman who was concerned. 'Seems like neither of us are getting much rest lately.'

'You should try and get your head down now.' She said, lightly tracing his chest with a couple of fingers. Leaving her mark. Remembering.

'But you're here.' He recognised flatly. 'And we need to talk more. The baby. How to fix things. Whether to fix things or not. My priorities are _so_ off.' He groaned.

She closed her eyes tightly. 'Likewise. There'll be time for talking soon.'

'But will there though?'

'Yes.' She nodded reverently. 'Course there will.'

As he sank into sleep underneath her, she gently reached down for the lump by her foot and tugged it free.

A pink babygro, embroidered with flowers and lettering. For a brief second, she held it to her nose and inhaled. It smelt of Ethan, but more delicately so.

Removing her arm from his chest, she rolled smoothly out of the bed. Still, clutched in her hand was the tiny scrap of material. She ran a hand through her matted hair that he'd either not noticed, or politely not commented on.

She glanced back over, hovering in the doorway, noticing Ethan still asleep.

'Course there will.'


	9. Chapter 8

It was midday before he resumed consciousness, and before his eyes even opened, he knew.

Eyes opened, completing a two second scan of the room. Just him.

'Oh, Alicia.' He mumbled, tasting her name on his lips. It sounded foreign, unfamiliar, like a language he'd forgotten how to speak.

He knew she wouldn't stay. He knew it when he closed his eyes, yet he let himself drift off anyway. It wasn't even sadness he felt, nor was it relief. It was just nothing. A blanket of emotional indifference. His ambivalence towards the whole situation was so strange it even led him to consider whether or not it had all been one bizarre dream. He coughed once and his throat scratched; a reminder of all the words he'd hurled in the hallway. In a sense, he felt he'd found closure. Things were less foggy. He knew all the reasons he'd wanted to know for so long.

Fumbling for his phone, he checked the display with a wince. 1 message from Max, 2 new messages from Robyn, 4 missed calls from Connie. 2 missed calls from an unknown number.

He rung the unknown number first, mouth dry. After the dialling tone, a voice crackled through the speaker almost straightaway.

'Ethan? Have you heard any news?'

He frowned at the tones before recognising they were Geordie.

'Ah, Mrs Munroe.' He held the phone to his ear gingerly. 'No. I've just woken up.'

'She's on the news and everything now. I'm sure Alicia will have seen her, if she's still in the country.'

He paused, thoughtful, choosing to ignore the first statement. 'The news, you say? H-have they used a recent photo?'

'She looks about seven or eight months, I'd say. All smiles, bless her. She's so like her mam.'

'Right.' Ethan replied. 'Uh, yes. I suppose she does. How did you get my number, Jackie?' He asked weakly.

'I rung the hospital, spoke to a chap called... Noel... I think.'

'Right.' Ethan answered again, making a mental note to not share personal information with the over-enthusiastic receptionist ever again. 'I see. I'll let you know if I hear anything.'

The phone went down and he tossed it aside, not caring to entertain the idea of getting back in touch with her. He had planned to systematically respond to all the missed calls and messages, but he'd neglected the state of the flat and his stomach has already growled, notifying him of the missed meals. He had to eat, because if Delilah was found, he'd need to care for her.

Making his way into the kitchen, he tugged out a box of cornflakes from the cupboard. They were soggy and moulding, but he reasoned they wouldn't harm him and so splashed milk over the top. If you couldn't see it, it wasn't there. He listlessly lifted the spoon. He let go. It dropped. The clang of the metal against the ceramic didn't even cause him to flinch. Then, a noise that did. His phone.

He was at the phone in less than a couple of seconds, frantically swiping right to answer.

'Ethan Hardy?' A woman's voice travelled down the phone evenly.

'Speaking.'

'We have found your daughter, she is safe and she's with our urgent care team. We have a few enquiries we'd like you to help us with if at all possible. Please make your way to Holby station within the hour.'

'A- that's marvellous. Thank you - thank you so much!' His voice was noisy, filled with relief.

'No problem at all. See you soon.'

'Yes, I'll be there as soon as possible. As soon as possible.'

-x-

Although Ethan was over the moon to see his daughter, she didn't seem to reciprocate his elation. Instead, she screamed when torn away from the social worker who she'd taken a shine to.

After nervously laughing it off, he tried to concentrate on the relentless questions from the social workers and police.

'Who were you with? Their name? Who do you think might have a motive? Have you been witness to anything remotely suspicious?'

There were several frowns as he answered, coupled with urgent scribbles in tatty notebooks. Delilah grew restless, seemingly not fussed in any way by the events and quite intent on wriggling out of her father's grasp, which certainly wasn't happening.

After what felt like forever, a male police officer looked up and grimly, yet evenly, spoke.

'We are bringing in a suspect for questioning, Howard Munroe. We believe he may have taken your daughter on the night of the 15th. Do you know of this man at all, Mr Hardy?'

Ethan froze, blood running cold. 'I...'

People seemed overly generous in terms of patience, dropping their eyes to the floor or their notes while he gathered his thoughts. They respected him and let him take his time. Even then, no thoughts of a coherent nature were assembling in his brain, and so he just gave a small shake of the head.

The social worker cleared her throat, readjusting her glasses and looking stern in doing so. Out of the four in the room, Ethan found her to be the most unnerving. She was almost like a headteacher; she spoke carefully and purposefully and seemed to carry power in her tone.

'We accessed Delilah's birth certificate as part of our protocols and log. I see Miss Alicia _Munroe_ is listed as the mother.' She chimed in.

'Y-yes. That's right.' Ethan stuttered.

'I'm sure as a doctor, you'll understand the boundless capabilities of authority computer search. We can track data, history, criminal records, family trees...'

He gave a sigh then, holding the baby more tightly. 'I have met Howard once, in my place of work. He was a patient. Not that I am under any obligation to disclose this information.'

'Mr Hardy, we're trying to help you and your daughter.' The younger police officer reasoned.

'I have no idea why he would try and take my little girl. I am not in touch with her mother, so why her maternal grandfather would be involved at all is disturbing. Jackie Munroe - Howard's ex wife - has been visiting me recently regarding contact with Delilah. She has threatened to take it to court as I do not wish for them to be a part of our lives.' He paused. 'Uh... I can't say whether or not she is in contact with Howard. Before Alicia left, it was my understanding that Jackie and Howard were not even on amicable terms.'

The room fell silent as three frantically took down notes. The remaining police officer stared a little too intently at him.

'We must ask. Any contact with Alicia Munroe, at all?'

He swallowed, wondering what good, if any, the truth could possibly do. She didn't want to be found. A few piddly hours did not constitute contact by his definition.

'Uh, I've tried, but she hasn't responded. The last time I spoke to her was the evening we brought Delilah home, 31st December 2016, and we went to sleep around midnight. It was somewhere in the early hours when she left, as when I awoke the next morning, she was gone. I- I'm sorry. You already know all this.' He said flatly, squeezing his eyes closed.

'Thank you. We'll be in touch. On this leaflet, there's a helpline and weblink for useful sources of advice. I trust you'll make use of those if the need arises. There is always support available.' All four nodded in unison and dismissed him with a smile.

He was out the building with Delilah under one arm in a heartbeat.


	10. Chapter 9

'How's the car hunt?' He asked, pressing a drink into Connie's receiving hands before taking his seat opposite her on the sofa.

'Hm.' She stared into the murky depths of the drink before fixing her eyes back on him. 'Enough to make me consider public transport for the rest of my life.'

He exhaled noisily. 'Can't be great.'

'It's really not. If I upgrade, I pay 200 more on the insurance each month. I was trying to explain this to Dylan, who naturally was having none of it. He was adamant I should stick to the bike, which is ludicrous. Elle overheard and couldn't find a problem. Apparently, I'm so minted, it shouldn't even be an issue. If I so please, I can drive a limousine. Oh, to see the world through such-'

'Rose-tinted glasses.' Ethan finished, raising his eyebrows.

She raised an eyebrow, disgruntled momentarily at the interruption. 'Yes, exactly what I was thinking.'

'It's flattering, to an extent, to be thought of so highly.' He suggested.

'Mm. They're surprisingly naïve for such highly qualified adults.'

'Many have lived sheltered lives, supported by countless family members.' He reminded.

'And I haven't...'

'Uh, well, neither have I. I don't think it's a bad thing. It shows drive, and-and ambition, and great success to get where you are and have the assets you have. And all so independently!' He enthused.

She smirked a little, taking another sip. 'You, on the other hand, are wise.'

'So I'm often told.' He brushed his hands over his knees, noticing and concealing the cream mark proudly embellished on the denim. 'I say it depends. Not in all walks of life.'

'I spoke with one of your examiners yesterday,' Connie mentioned.

Instead of listening fully, Ethan noticed how pale and startlingly thin she'd become. A combination of greens and blues, protruding in all different directions, broke up the porcelain block of skin that was attached to the chipped 'best daddy' mug from which she sipped gingerly.

'Ethan,' She repeats, eyes locking with his.

'S-sorry. Away with the fairies. You spoke with... wait... how come?'

'He came for a little chat.' She smiled knowingly, glancing down at her lap.

'And?'

'Well, that would be telling.' She replied, refusing to disclose anything, much to Ethan's bemusement.

'What was the point in telling me, if you're not going to... well... _tell_ me?!'

'Just letting you know. You'll find out on Friday, anyway.' She swept a loose strand of hair back with a clumsy hand.

 _That's three whole days of agonising wait. Dark horse, Beauchamp._

She stared vehemently for a while, before clicking her teeth and giving a small shake of the head. Ethan found this unnerving, almost as if she could read his thoughts.

'How's the baby?' She asked.

'Asleep upstairs, finally. The limpet.' He sighed, plumping a cushion on his knee. 'She won't settle ever since, not really. Only nods off in my arms, screams blue murder when she realises I'm not there.'

'Poor mite.' Connie sympathised, shaking her head slightly.

'I know. She's a sensitive soul, gets that from me. Onwards and upwards, though, hey?'

'Alicia's dad of all people, I-'

'Yeah. They've remanded him, the court trial is next week. Two counts of abduction. I don't extend my pity to him, it's all too sore. I wonder why he did it - I just want an answer or two.' He said blankly.

'Course you do.' She whispered. 'It isn't easy when someone takes your baby. Even though they probably do mean well, and love them very much, it's hard to accept it and forgive them for what they put you through.'

'Yes.' He agreed solemnly. 'Yes, spot on.'

'Anyone would think I knew your pain.' She laughed lightly.

His stomach lurched, and he adopted his embarrassed, all-too-familiar yoga hold - the _why me?_ position (his head in his hands).

'I'm sorry. Lacking tact.'

'Oh, don't be. My wounds have healed long ago. Just don't let that baby out your sight ever again.'

'I won't.' He mumbled, finally looking up. 'I really won't.'

-x-

It was late and the room was packed out with roars of the loudest kind. Yet again, the world was asleep, but they, of course, were awake.

'Delilah, please, shhh...' He pulled the child into bed with him.

Tiny fists flailed at Ethan's chest, angry. He took a little hand in his, trying to stop the wild movement, but she was as determined as he and with the little physical strength she had, she managed to fight him off.

Her tiny body wriggled against his chest, manhandling to the ground his last dodge attempt to soothe her.

'Tell dadda all about it.' He whispered into the mousy curls by her temple. 'Come on, little one.'

Somehow, he made his way over to the bed and lowered them both down. The mattress sunk and creaked with the weight, where it had once bounced back. He tipped his head back, swallowing two paracetamol in one gulp. His foot flicked the switch of the lamp, and the room was filled with light once more.

His daughter's cheeks were red raw, a forehead and chin to match this hue were also noticed the longer the light was on. Anxious, he pressed his own lips to her forehead. Warm, but not hot. No temperature. Just sad. Tears like raindrops spattered onto the chest of her rosy sleepsuit, big green eyes swimming, fixed on his in a manner almost accusing.

'I'm trying my best, Delilah. I am.' His voice quivered, strong hand against her tiny back. 'You're not hungry. You're not thirsty. You're not poorly. I-I could cry too, but what would that do? Course I can't cry, I've got to be strong, haven't I? It would only make things worse. I know you're a sad little girl at the moment. Daddy's got you, you're safe. It breaks my heart to think for a single minute that there's something missing from your life. As long as I live, I'll try to tick as many of those boxes as I can. I will fulfill. I will care. I will jump through hoops to do so. Even if I go insane from lack of company, anything for you. I hope you grow to understand.'

Though his utterances meaningless to all but him, it felt a relief to air them. As if in sought of her own comfort, the baby pressed her head into his shoulder of her own accord. Little lungs let out exhausted, shuddery breaths, and so he cuddled her closer. If only babies could talk.

It felt so incredibly easy to take it all personally. All she did was cry, whinge, scream, sleep, and very occasionally afford him a smile on a good day. Other babies he saw, even those in a hospital bed, always were of a cheerier disposition. It was like Delilah really was miserable. Fed up with everything, and most of all, fed up with her dad who knew nothing about how to bring another human up from scratch and singlehandedly.

He laid her down in the crinkled space in the sheets, untouched from when Alicia had left. She seemed to settle. This made him pause a little.

'Where's Nelly, hey?' Ethan finally whispered. 'Let's find your Nelly.'

As he fumbled on the floor for the teddy, his fingers caught on a tag suspended on the bumpy seam of an ear.

He ignored the teeth marks his fingers crossed - more appeared each day ever since Delilah's gums had grown sore. It added to its character, he figured.

 _An address. Some digits. Several words._

He tore it off, screwing it up and tossing it aside. He settled the toy in the baby's arms. It was too late. His mind was buzzing with unexplored ideas, thoughts. The note had been so painstakingly attached to an object so precious. That carried meaning. Or maybe it was there to be noticed. The writing was surprisingly dissimilar from that note, the one he still kept in his drawer, but he recognised it all the same.

At once, he felt dizzy with the responsibility. Another task to do. Tomorrow, the police would be round. Next week, court. All of it too much.

 ** _TheBeautifulNerd: No worries! I know what it's like to be busy, all too well! Loving your stories. Thanks for your kind comments._**

 ** _A: Thank you so much! Enjoy this one._**

 ** _ReadingxTherapy: Eek I know! Was going to keep her away for longer but didn't think I could do it to myself as the writer haha. Sorry for slow update, grateful of your reviews as ever x_**

 ** _Infinityandone: We will see! Nothing is ever straightforward._**

 ** _(A/N: Thanks for your continued support, let me know what you think! Things are going to pick up from here)_**


	11. Chapter 10

Breath smoked in the cold as Ethan plodded along the damp cobbled pavement to court. He'd never liked formal events, and he'd attended several too many in his lifetime.

Still, his navy suit was on. Formal dress seemed appropriate - nobody would have been in a position to bat an eyelid if he settled on jeans and a jumper, but that wasn't him. Not even after his baby daughter had been taken.

Delilah was the gaudy accessory to his attire; bright mustard anorak and spotty green wellies that accompanied it terribly. A couple of friends had offered sincerely, and although he trusted them, he felt that she was necessary. It would be easy to ramble on about not finding childcare to the judge and making a quick apology. She grizzled under his arm as he walked, but that was in his favour. People would take pity on them. Somehow, although all babies cried, the more she ramped it up, the less kindly the jury would take to the defendant. That was how he'd planned it out. And, he had planned it out, right down to the finest little detail. Hours had been spent agonising over the procedure, whether to look happy or sad or angry or neutral, what to say, whether to say anything at all, and when. Finally, it was the day. He was weirdly glad.

One step, two steps, three steps. Into the building.

'Ethan Hardy.' He introduced himself to the burly looking man at the door.

In response, the stranger furrowed an eyebrow. 'Here for the court case? Witness, are you? Or sitting in the gallery?'

'Uh, neither. I- am actually involved in the case.' He adjusted his collar, swallowing, drizzle still dampening his hair.

'I'll need some ID.' The man said, sounding thoroughly disinterested.

Giving an exasperated sigh, he clumsily fumbled around in his back pocket and pulled out his work badge. 'Will this suffice? I'd like to get my daughter out of the bad weather.' He asserted himself, peering round into the building.

After deliberate slow inspection, Ethan's path was cleared with a loud, begrudging sigh.

In the foyer, his eyes darted from corner to corner. No friends present yet, even though it was only Max and Charlie who were free to go in the first place. Faces of strangers, animated rather distastefully so, mingled and bustled around. Not one had regarded him, something he found strange, considering he was centre of the case. There were exclamations and laughter, sounds of elation, not morosity. All of it felt wrong. He wondered idly if being entangled in such a draining, sickening situation could ever feel right, before determining perhaps it wouldn't.

He took a leaflet from the wall casually, pretending to browse it. In his arms, the baby amused herself, tipping her chin skyward in awe of chandeliers that hung from the ceiling.

People soon started to shift in the direction of the courtroom, which made his stomach somersault and his mouth lose all moisture. It would be so easy to leave, but he knew he owed it to his daughter to step up. If he didn't, nobody would. And, nobody did it for him when he was a child. He was her rock, he vowed to protect her always. So, if moving mountains constituted articulating himself in a courtroom, then it did.

-X-

Ethan's hands shook as he grasped the piece of paper, trying to ignore the nod from his solicitor who sat just metres away.

'Normally I'd start a speech with something jolly, like greeting everybody here today. Words aren't my strong suit, as I often tell people, but I hope you stick with me in trust that matter I'm about to approach is serious and honest. I apologise in advance, it is quite sensitive, or at least is to me.'

His eyes hovered upwards nervously, briefly spotting Max with a sleeping Delilah on his lap. An encouraging nod from his friend was all he needed to continue.

'Almost three weeks ago, my ten month old daughter and I went to a coffee shop. I was on a date, or what I believed would be a date.' He paused deliberately, making eye contact with Jackie in the audience. 'My dates thus far have never really worked out. I decided it would be nice to start looking for someone to share my life with again, for the sake of my daughter Delilah, so I joined a dating site. Unbeknownst to me, I agreed to meet with a single mother who in fact was my colleague, Nurse Robyn Miller. We're friends, so we had a laugh and platonically went for a drink to warm ourselves up. The café, named Coffee Creations, was very quiet. We left our children at the table because of this. Whilst momentarily distracted in the queue, my little girl vanished. I am a single father, and this is my worst nightmare. My little baby, sitting right over there.' He tried to remain solemn, though his voice wobbled slightly.

Several people turned round in unison, 'ahhing' at the baby despite the formalities.

'Mr Hardy, you say vanished...' The judge begun impatiently, readjusting his wig, face wrinkling even more with confusion.

'I presume she was taken. I didn't really know where she'd gone. I just knew I had to find her.'

'Our defendant, Mr Howard Munroe, is the father of Delilah's mother. Am I correct in believing he is the maternal grandfather of the child, Mr Hardy?'

'Yes, that's right.'

'Miss Munroe is not present today, I have been advised. Tell us of your relationship with her.'

He gave a sigh, torn. 'Complicated. Beautifully, horribly complicated. That is all.'

There was a shuffle and murmur between the jury, something which unnerved him.

'For the benefit of the courtroom and its members, please now elaborate on your relationship with the defendant in question.'

'Nonexistent.' Ethan replied simply. 'I knew of him, and met him about thrice. One of those times, he was a patient at my workplace, Holby City hospital, part of the fourth largest trust in England.'

'And what about his relationship with his daughter?'

'Alicia?' He echoed. 'Uh, I'm afraid I'm too ill advised to comment. They used to be, as Alicia would say, inseparable. However, there has been bumps, without disclosing too much personal information.'

The judge looked amused. 'That's exactly what you are here to do, tell the court everything you know.'

Ethan winced, uncomfortable. 'It came to my knowledge that there had been some, um, infidelity in Howard and Jackie Munroe's relationship. This upset Alicia greatly, and shook her trust in her father and men in general. Although she never disclosed the reason why she left the day after our daughter's birth, knowing her as I do - _did_ , sorry - I do believe she left to clear her head. Perhaps in relation to her father, or me, or the baby, or even a combination. I do know that he was a loving man and deeply felt remorse for this. He is a good man with good intentions as far as I'm concerned.'

'How would this change if it were to transpire that Mr Munroe is responsible for the abduction of your child?'

'Uh...' Ethan begun, starting to stutter more. 'I will be honest, it will disappoint me. As a parent, I will do anything for my little girl. Anything. However, that doesn't mean to say I lose all my empathy and understanding with respect to the rest of the world. To me, it matters that justice is sought. If someone had good intentions, I would not resent them. I would feel content on the behalf of me and my child with a balance of morality and compassion being considered. I don't want anyone suffering. Believe me, I know how that feels.' He fell quiet.

'Thank you Mr Hardy. You make take your seat.'

-x-

'I'm so sorry, Ethan.' Charlie rested a hand on his shoulder on the walk back to the car park.

'Don't be sorry.' Ethan replied evenly, peering up at the sun trying to break out of the clouds. 'It's not your fault. Thank you - both of you - for watching her.'

'You're welcome mate, she was a pleasure. Three hours isn't a long trial at all, is it?' Max said.

'Three hours really isn't.' He admitted. 'But it's okay. He didn't have bad intentions, did he? Yes, he took her, but he took her to see her.'

'Even so.' Charlie mumbled. 'Must be a blow.'

'It's not. I've done what I possibly could, and that's all I can do.'

'Sensible of you, makes you the better person.' Max nodded.

Ethan gave a little laugh, looking down at Delilah cuddling his shoulder. 'Well, thanks for the support today. I couldn't care even if he's the better person. I've learnt my lesson, not to let her out my sight. I have what matters right here. Thank goodness it's over.'

Charlie and Max exchanged glances, noticing their friend's smile was just a little too stretched.


	12. Chapter 11

_**A: Thanking you! Connie is completely well in the story.**_

 _ **TheBeautifulNerd: Ethan is a little love, bless him. He doesn't deserve any sadness, but as you say, the support of his friends is great and all he needs to pull him through.**_

 **A/N: Thoughts on Winter trailer guys? Imagine my sheer delight when my babies kissed at the end. I literally sobbed real tears! So bloody beautiful, haha. Wonder who this new doctor is too? We'll find out in due course I'm sure!**

'Commiserations on the outcome of the court case.' Connie said, spinning round a little on her chair to the cabinet.

'Well, never mind, eh? I'd just hoped for a little bit of justice other than a warning, unconditional restraining order and a name on some register.' Ethan shook his head a little.

She cleared her throat once, face stony. 'Here is the letter.'

He almost snatched it off the table, smoothing the fold before prising it open with a wince.

After a few seconds had passed, she sat forward. 'Congratulations. You deserve it.'

'Is this- I can't believe- this is insane! Thank you, thank you so much!'

'What are you thanking me for?'

'For-for everything! Mentoring me, shaping me, supporting me on the day with childcare...'

'Just doing my job. You'll understand one day soon.'

'This is the best news!' He kept shaking his head a little, looking from the paper, to Connie, back to the paper again. 'I- I really thought I'd failed. Things were just not going my way.'

'Well, they were all singing your praises. Nervousness isn't always a flaw, if anything, it shows you're on your toes. Excellent work.'

'Thanks! I feel a celebratory drink is in order, that's if the crèche will stay open.'

'Is she not at nursery?' Connie asked.

'No, not today,' He sighed. 'I'm looking at new ones. It's not the best, let's just say. I can't really leave her at the crèche, can I? It wouldn't be fair. I know she hates it.'

'You're allowed to be selfish. It's only an hour. Babies don't have any concept of time, do they?'

'I still feel bad.' He pulled a face.

'Early Christmas treat, go off at five.' She gave him a rueful smile. 'I know it's only an hour earlier, but...'

'Thank you, Mrs Beauchamp. I'll put the hours back in.'

'Oh, you will.' She agreed lightly, a touch of amusement in her tone. 'Sooner than you realise.'

A modified work badge and new stethoscope slid across the desk towards him.

-X-

A cardboard box, which was spewing with decorations, sat in the corner of the living room. Déjà vu weirdly came to him. December 2016 had been just the same, everything all messy in the same box, waiting to be plucked out and placed intricately on the tree. Alicia had helped, despite her condition that was unbeknownst to him. It had taken them hours but in the end had looked spectacular, like a room out of a retail catalogue. That year he'd been proud.

Christmas was always a memorable occasion, and had been for the past four years. 2013, found out about job at Holby. 2014, bought the flat. 2015, met Alicia. 2016, first Christmas with Alicia and first Christmas without his brother. 2017, Delilah and he.

Somehow, he didn't see how he would ever match the standard of decoration he set the year before. Interior design was not his forte, and tangling tinsel and snapping branches seemed to be. As sexist as he felt it made him, a woman's influence was needed. The 11 month old on the rug drooling on a bauble didn't count. Nevertheless, bedtimes had been abandoned. Delilah ruled and she knew it, she had every right to stay up while he attempted to decorate and at least keep him company whilst he did so.

It was too early for decorations. Although it was December, that didn't automatically equate to putting the tree up as quickly as possible, like many of his colleagues had been doing over the week just gone. In spite of this, he knew in the back of his mind that there would be little chance in the coming weeks.

A buzz caused him to turn around, practically snatching his phone off the sofa.

Jackie. Of course.

' _I won't continue messaging. I understand now that Howard has put his foot in things, and you'll be even less inclined to let me have contact. Your daughter is a real beauty, and though this pains me, I'm more than comfortable in backing off so that you can focus on what's best. I cried after the hearing, you phrased things so perfectly and you have the best intentions. I will continue to write to baby if that is good'_

His chest ached, and he quickly typed a reply out.

' _Hi, cheers for your message Jackie. I'd like to apologise, this must feel awful. I'm still trying to think about what's best. Not trying to mess others around but I need to work out where I want to go from here. Reluctant to see you for selfish reasons, I feel it will be too sore a reminder of the absence of Alicia in all of our lives. She has made things this way, not you. Please don't take offence. I will be in touch.'_

' _No offence taken pet, and no rush. I hope she comes to her senses. The moment you hear anything, tell me straightaway. Kisses to little one.'_

He swallowed hard, index finger trembling above the keyboard. That morning. That note.

' _Will do. Take care x'_

After tossing his phone aside, he considered how lonely she must feel. Any kind of thinking was dangerous when done by Ethan; he ended up putting aside his own emotions and doubt in order to satisfy others. It was called generous, but he was that to his detriment and he knew so.

Out the corner of his eye, he noticed a trail of tinsel on the rug. Quite happily, Delilah was succeeding in wrapping colourful tinsel round her neck.

'Delilah!' He shouted, urgency conveying as panic in the moment.

She flinched and burst into tears. He ignored this, nimbly unthreading the makeshift rope and yanking it free.

'Alright, stop those tears, my baby. Daddy was just worried, hm? Thought you might choke. That would have been very scary.' He whispered, scooping her up and moving towards the window. 'It's all okay, shh.'

When she was calm, he muttered under his breath as he checked his phone once more, 'tis the season'.

-x-

Late. 11pm late. So late that even Delilah had dozed off. That _was_ late.

As he wandered into the hallway, feeling half proud of the mediocre success in terms of decorations, he spotted the undisturbed pile of mail that he'd long since forgotten about.

He sifted through. A red card. Opening it, he broke into a smile. Iain had evidently made Lily take a ridiculous photo with props - she clearly objected - but they'd thought of him and sent him a personalised card. He was momentarily glad that his friend had found happiness, and hoped for her that it wouldn't be short lived.

Another Christmas card from the slightly weird, yet well meaning neighbours downstairs.

A smaller envelope. He groaned softly, recognising straightaway. It took less than a second to open, but much longer to read. It contained a paragraph, and nothing else. From her, of course.

' _I imagine the people I love as lights. If I looked at a map, I'd see the glowing, no matter the distance between me and them. The world feels kinder and a little softer that way. Less like it's trying to hurt you. Someone somewhere feels something when they hear your name. Love is everywhere, even when we don't know it. I promise when someone you love ends up far away from you, the love they have for you is brightening up wherever they are in the world. And somewhere, deep down, you feel it. Even miles away. Even time zones away.'_

He sighed, sick and tired of trying to decipher implicit meanings. So, a declaration of love, through half hearted poetic prose addressed to him. Why didn't she call in person? What was there to be afraid of? How could she afford to keep sending mail without a job? Did she have a job? What if she had another life? Love for the child, or love for him?'

Above all other emotion, anger begun to surface. She was playing games, and he was sick of lying to others and himself to protect her. She was out of his life but she had never been more in his head. He hated it. He wanted to be free of the angst. Free of it all.

He slumped against the wall in despair, the paper fluttering down and landing on the carpet a foot away.


	13. Chapter 12

**_Guest: Ahh thank you so much for your lovely review! It is people like you that spur me on to write more! Beautiful words, so appreciated, great to know that you're enjoying! More Ethan and Connie to come in the next few chapters._**

Lights twinkled in the city, strung from post to post. It was beautiful, and everything was looking perfectly festive.

Ethan had popped into town, baby and all, to buy some last minute bits for Secret Santa. He had chosen Dylan, who was not only ridiculously hard to buy for, but terribly unenthusiastic about the whole idea. Both those facts coupled together did not make for an easy experience, but he had had a vague idea of what to buy. Something practical, of course, like new gloves or a bookmark. He ended up with a bookmark, science related of course. Very apt. A joke gift would not be appreciated, and hence a waste of money. Plus, gimmicky gadgets were hugely overrated and unoriginal - everyone in the department would be brandishing whoopee cushions and aprons with rude slogans embellished on them. He wasn't prepared to embarrass himself and a colleague in following suit.

Deciding against a fight with the pushchair, which was on its last legs - wheels, quite literally - he had bravely chosen to haul his daughter around.

She was heavier than usual, as he'd bundled her up to keep the biting wind out.

'It's snowing, baby D, just like the forecast said.' He told her, jiggling her up and down as they stood in a queue for a cashpoint. 'Snowing, snowing. Let's hope it settles so daddy can stay in bed tomorrow. Fat chance of that! He's got to go to the smelly old hospital.'

An elderly lady standing slightly ahead turned round with a pitying look. 'Hospital before Christmas, eh? Little 'un's mam will have to do the work of Santa Claus.'

'Oh! I- I'm a doctor.' Ethan corrected, smiling. 'Consultant, actually, now.'

'I am sorry, love. Doctor? You don't look old enough.'

'Ah, well. The earth has orbited the sun twenty-eight times since I took my first breath, so...'

'Late twenties is still young.' She chimed. 'When I was your age, all the doctors were at least in their forties. Nurses, too. So experienced, we all knew how dependable and capable they were.'

Ethan tactfully refrained from adding that they could have been anyone, and that DBS checks were nonexistent, and that technology had since advanced immensely actually. Instead, he gave a polite nod and an ' _mm_ ' in agreement, before shifting round slightly, teeth chattering in the cold.

'I bet you do a good job though. Very handsome. All the pretty nurses after you, eh?'

'Ha! Something like that.' He smiled thinly.

'Lovely baby. How old?' She asked.

'Eleven months now. Her first birthday is the 30th.'

'Ah, a belated Christmas gift! Bet you were made up.'

'I-' He paused. 'Yeah. Yeah, I was. I am. Being a father to her is the most wonderful gift, each and every day.'

He stood there and thought for the rest of the duration he was waiting. He had willingly spilled his heart to a complete stranger; a notion usually alien to him.

Having stuffed the paper notes into his wallet, he marched on through the city centre, thinking about buying Christmas pyjamas for them both. It was tradition, of course, and there was no reason why he couldn't have a browse. People bustled along, the hubbub of music and chatter all too loud. Delilah sung cheerily to herself, though her little nose and her mouth streamed.

As they walked past a collection of stalls selling a manner of goods, he begun to appreciate the carols being sung by a talented busker. It was the season of good will, after all, so he followed his ears.

A cardboard sign was propped up against the hold all. It read:

' _Please spare any small change. Homeless this Christmas. Seasons greetings and warm wishes'_

It had been roughly done in Sharpie, though he felt compelled to obey the lettering out of pity for the melodic musician, whose singing was beautiful and unlike anything else he'd heard.

He reached forward to toss a couple of coins in the hat before stopping at once. His fingers curled back over the copper. Another glance to confirm his eyes haven't deceived him. His expression soured, contorted with disbelief and disgust.

'Get up.' He spat.

A pair of bewildered eyes met his, freezing for a moment. They glanced across to the baby in his arms.

'Get up now, or I will _out_ you in front of all these people.' He paused, glancing down at the sign. 'I mean it.'

Onlookers started to pause, curious, watching the woman gather up the sign and cap with cheeks reddened; cold was not the only attributing factor to the glow of her face.

-x-

'You are _not_ homeless.' He snapped. 'You have a home. It is with me and Delilah.'

'It's not my home anymore.' She replied quietly.

'What do you mean, not your home? Pack it in, sounding all weak and lost. Of course it's your home!' He paced ahead slightly, holding tighter to the baby.

'It's not.' Her face crumpled, and though he didn't see, he heard. 'I can't just-'

'Begging on the street is low, Alicia. What about the real poor people? You have support, you just don't want it.'

'I don't have support!' She countered weakly.

He scoffed, not even bothering to answer.

'Where are we going?'

'Home. To prove you have one.'

'How far is it?' She asked.

'Ten minutes. Don't you remember that?'

'Not really.'

'Right, well. Not long. Especially not long at this pace.' He told her flatly.

The walk back was in silence. He didn't offer to help with her bag, averting his typical gentlemanly ways. It didn't even enter his mind. She lugged it over one shoulder, heavy breath sounds escaping her lips into the cold air. The baby was quiet, oddly so.

They arrived at the bottom of the building and stopped, feet crunching the gravel. rummaging for the keys in his pocket. His long fingers brushed against the coins, causing him to grow crosser and crosser.

'Here.' He thrust the money from his pocket into her hand. 'For the lost cause.' Without warning, he threw the rest of the contents of his pocket on the floor. One by one, the items fell. A dummy, a tissue, a plaster, some paracetamol, a scrap of paper, his wallet, finally his keys.

Delilah grizzled as he bent to pick them up, flailing her leg and managing to connect with his spare hand, in which his phone was. It also tumbled to the ground below, making an almighty crack that only meant one thing. He dropped the plastic carrier bag that had been cutting into his fingers, it joined everything else on the floor. They all stood, staring for a while, before he made an attempt to lower himself down again.

'Let me take her.' Alicia whispered.

'Uh, I don't think so.' He gave a short, raspy laugh back.

'I'm right here.' She sighed forlornly. 'You know I'd never...'

Seeing reason, he passed the child over and straightaway crouched to pick up his belongings with ease, putting all back in their pocket except for a couple.

'Bastard screen.' He muttered, rubbing the fragmented screen vigorously on his trousered knee, as if hoping for some miracle.

She swallowed audibly. 'Just go on in, yeah? You need to sit down.'

He laughed loudly then, startling both her and the baby, but not turning round to address either. ' _I_ need to. Yeah, yeah. You're right. Let's go in. I hope you have a while.'


	14. Chapter 13

'Do you need to use the bathroom?'

'Uh, no. Why, do I reek?' She giggled nervously.

'No,' He frowned, taking the baby back into his arms. 'But you're homeless, therefore one can surmise you've not had access to a shower or decent sanitation.'

Alicia shuffled uncomfortably, before taking it upon herself to sit down in the armchair. Seeing her there gave him a funny feeling; he'd rocked a baby to sleep there many a time. It was a perfect spot, looking out onto the city yet able to view the fields and trees too. In the dark, it was even better. The inky sky dotted with bright little lights, some attached to buildings, some standing proudly in their own right. The hum of traffic, faint but still there. Even so, he kept quiet.

'Can I explain?' She asked quietly.

'I don't know, can you?'

'Well...' She begun shakily. Then a sigh. 'Oh, God, it's going to take so long.'

He shrugged, as if time didn't matter. How could it?

'I know it was wrong to write that on the sign, but it wasn't technically wrong. I've been crashing in hostels.'

'The address you gave me-'

'The hostel I'm staying at is a safe place, just for women. Most of them have come from backgrounds of domestic violence and whatnot, so we have a safe address for all mail. It's the house of the woman who's the landlady, in charge of the place if you like.'

'W-what if I'd turned up? That would have gone swimmingly. Imagine what she would have thought.' He shook his head, hurt.

'She wouldn't have known you personally, and I thought you'd mail if anything-'

'Writing cryptic messages isn't to my taste. I was considering a visit - seems lucky I didn't. Everything just seems thoroughly unorganised, unthought through. It isn't you, and that is what doesn't add up.' He mused, shaking his head.

'I explained the other day why I left. I've been a mess, Ethan. A huge mess. Maybe I've done some things wrong - lots of things wrong - but my head's been all over the place. I know it's no excuse, I- I don't know what else you want to know.'

His eyes were wet suddenly. 'Why didn't you just come back? Nothing means enough anymore, Alicia.'

She raised her eyes to the ceiling, dodging contact with his for fear of dropping her guard and letting the tears fall. 'I've told you. I couldn't. I know you're here, I know home is here. Sometimes it feels overwhelming. I've been absent for that long, I can't just jump back in. Things have moved on. I saw on the news that Delilah was found, the local women were chatting about it. _That_ baby who belonged to _that_ doctor. _My_ baby, _my_ doctor. That filled me with relief. So much so, I wrote you both a little extract from inside my head. I had to. When I read the newspaper article, the court report, I broke down. I know I've failed the pair of you. I have caused destruction and chaos in your life from day one. I can't win now. I'm a coward if I don't come back, I am no help if I do. I know I have no excuse for missing so much, but I still feel a little twinge. A little pull. A little something, niggling deep down.' She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. 'I know it's love. That's why I wrote things. I wanted to remind you, communicate with you that my feelings have never wavered for a second. Cliché, but nothing it's not either of you. It's me.'

Ethan sat back, exhaling steadily, head now buried firmly in hands.

'I get it.' He said solemnly. 'I get it, I do. Tell me you'll get help. Even if you're in a better state now than you were months ago, you need to speak to someone.'

'I'm speaking to you, aren't I?' Her eyes dropped to the carpet, hoovered and pristine but for the odd conspicuous stain.

He gave her a knowing look. 'Alicia.'

'I mean a _real_ person to speak to. I'm no use nor ornament.'

Delilah squealed with delight, jerking both of them abruptly out of the moment. Ethan couldn't help but smile at his daughter's happiness.

'I- I will. Venting to you has put things in perspective a bit.' She admitted.

'Hope you're not just paying me lip service.'

'I'm not. You make a valid point. Seeing this beautiful child has made me so humbled, as- as a person. I grew this human. She's half me, half you, and she's bloody amazing. I've missed so much, and I don't want to miss more.' She said.

'Well,' He cleared his throat, desperately wanting to believe her. 'I'll help. I'll be here if you let me. There is no rush to do anything, so long as you agree to make that effort with yourself.'

For some reason, Alicia didn't answer. She dropped her eyes again, as she always did when she didn't want to talk. At the best of times, Ethan recalled she'd never been great with emotional conversations. He hoped her words carried meaning and that she wasn't just bluffing. Not this time, surely.

He watched out the corner of his eye as she leaned forwards, tapping the baby on the shoulder. Delilah spun round, eyes wide. Their engagements that followed were interesting to watch. It was natural, but slightly forced at the same time. Alicia was nervous. And, he didn't blame her. If the tables were turned and he'd been gone for so long, he would feel awkward too. Still, she'd leaned to pick the child up and had positioned her on her knee. Even though a funny position to hold, Alicia willingly bent her wrist backward so the baby could inspect the jewellery she was so fascinated by.

'She likes you.'

'How do you know?'

'It's my little girl!' He laughed. 'Of course I know. She's taken to you, but you are her mum after all.'

After spotting her daddy, Delilah suddenly lunged across, little arms reaching out. He took her, wiping the dribble that had collected under the dimple on her chin. 'You do, don't you? You like mummy.'

'Mumma.' She echoed, clear as day.

'Yes!' Ethan praised. 'Yes, that's right, gorgeous girl.'

It was easy to focus everything on his child, his little miracle, who'd just uttered another word. The meaning was irrelevant. In his eyes, she was a genius. She was yet to celebrate her first birthday, and she was chattering away. It was magic.

When he looked up, he saw Alicia's warm eyes crinkle. It was like a squeeze. Like a hug. Adoration and love pooled there.

'The last time you said a word, daddy made you cry!' Ethan scooped her up, twirling her round, before coming to a stop. 'I feel like it's bathtime.'

'Ba.' Delilah repeated proudly.

'Now you're just showing off.' He said. 'Come on. Shall we show mumma all your toys? You've got an awful lot.'

-x-

Ethan swirled his arm in the water, determining it suitable and plonking the baby in in one single movement.

'You might want to-' He begun, but it was too late.

Both gasped when the splashing started, wild and out of control. Droplets of warm water and suds flew out, landing on their clothing.

He winced, taking his glasses off and rubbing the lenses on his sleeve. 'I thought I'd give a little forewarning. Alas, I was too late.'

'She's so lively!' Alicia said.

'Yes, she certainly is. 2am is what I've dubbed power hour though.'

'I take it she likes her baths?'

' _Likes_ them? She screams the place down when it's time to get out, even though she's wrinkly and pink-cheeked.'

'Bless her. I used to love water as a kid. Had swimming lessons from being tiny, used to always look forward to showing off the butterfly stroke to my dad in the lanes. Always bet him too.' She reminisced.

He paused for a moment. 'Did you? Maybe she gets it from you then. I've always hated swimming, made my glasses steam up.'

'Oh, God. I'm sorry I mentioned my dad. Always put my foot in it.' She sighed.

'No no, not at all.' He posted a bright green duck back over the side of the bath.

'Honestly, I was mortified that he even- he just doesn't think things through. I haven't spoken to him since, though he's tried to contact me. You all have, though, I guess.' She said uneasily.

'Speak to him. Ask him why he did it.'

'I'd get too cross,' She replied honestly. 'I would say something terrible to my own father. I'm livid at what he put you through, Ethan.'

'Maybe he did it for you? That's what I like to think. That way, I rest knowing he had good intentions.'

'Of course he'd never hurt her,' Alicia agreed. 'It doesn't accuse snatching someone's child though. Nobody has that right. Even if you are grandfather. Those 18 hours must have been unimaginable for you, you poor thing.' She said softly.

'Yeah. Things are just a royal mess, really, aren't they?'

'Yep.' She exhaled. 'They are.'

'Did you ever hand your notice in at Holby?' Ethan asked. 'Mrs Beauchamp never did tell me, always dismissed it.'

A pause. 'No. I went on sick leave. I told her I'd come back eventually, she still thinks that.'

'She never told me.' Ethan sounded flat.

'Well, I specified for her not to.'

'She can't just _do_ that though. I- I thought we were friends. She knows the ordeal I've been through without y—'

Silence, before she spoke softly. 'You know there's all that confidentiality stuff though, right?'

'But it shouldn't have been confidential from me.' He choked.

'I'm sorry. I made a split decision. Don't resent her for it, she's only been doing her job.'

'I thought I had a friend.' He repeated quietly.

'She is doing her _job_ , Ethan. It will have killed her not to say anything.'

He grasped the bottle of baby shampoo from the shelf, squeezing a dollop of yellow into his hands and rubbing together quickly. 'It all makes sense now.'

'I didn't mean to put my foot in it again. I'm sorry.'

'You haven't.' He lied, expression heavy. 'I just thought I had a kindred spirit, when really, all everyone's been doing is keeping secrets.'

'You're blowing things up out of proportion, though. Nobody meant to hurt _you_.'

He cleared his throat, a half laugh, half cough. 'Funny, no one ever does, yet it doesn't stop people.'

All were silent as he massaged the shampoo into the tiny head of damp curls. Each had a sense of responsibility of their own, all in some way guilty of contributing to the mess of a situation. Nobody passed the blame. Delilah didn't scream. Alicia didn't scream. Ethan didn't scream. All perhaps felt like it, yet they remained quiet.

Sometimes, without really knowing why, you know it isn't right to hurt the ones you love.

 _Even if you're not really feeling that love._

 _ **Please review! This chapter took beyond forever to write. All your lovely comments mean the world to me and I adore reading them - you're wonderful people and it's great of you to be so supportive. I have a plan for this story and it will probs be between 5-10 more chapters long. Unless I get an idea, that is! I'll stop rambling and get to the points I want to make.**_

 _ **I'm super sorry for slow updates, I am trying whenever I've got spare time. Juggling my studies and having college interviews this week is certainly hectic though (but I got a conditional offer in one already!!!)**_

 _ **Also, tis only 8 days till my birthday and 10 till Christmas. Crazy busy time of year. Hope everyone's good! Will try and respond personally to you either in next chapter or via PM. Thanks again all!**_


	15. Chapter 14

Alicia leaned forward for the bottle, something she'd already done several times, each with gathering pace.

He gently took it, as if to fill his own glass, then discreetly tried to place it on a shelf.

'Bar closing?' She asked, eyes wide.

'I don't fancy a sore head in the morning.'

'You've barely had one drink.'

'Delilah is asleep.' He reminded, glancing at the monitor on the side.

'So, what was the point in the suggestion of opening the whiskey then?'

'It had been cluttering up the cupboard,' He offered feebly. 'Besides, it makes conversations a little smoother.'

'Exactly, we might as well finish it off.' She reasoned.

'You're not proposing we finish the entire bottle?'

'You don't have to.' A glint in her eye appeared as she leaped off the sofa, pulling a cushion with her to add some height.

He gave a startled laugh. 'Ah, you're not going to drink yourself into oblivion under my supervision.'

'Supervision? Alright, Mr Authoritative. I can't work out whether you sound more like a father or some medical boffin. Last I checked, you were a boy with sticky up hair and a tendency to stutter!' She exclaimed.

Double blow. She didn't seem too bothered, in fact, she seemed smug. Her gaze was too soft and body language all wrong; she was, for want of a better word, inebriated. So much so, he realised another glass wouldn't make an awful lot of difference. He remembered just exactly how drink made her act. It certainly didn't bring out her rational or tactful side - rather the opposite. Instead of giving in to the insult though, he confronted the throwaway remark with sophistication.

'Consultant, actually.' He dropped in.

Her brow furrowed. 'Cons- you?!'

'Yes,' He replied calmly. 'I passed my exams. Shift starts tomorrow, bright and early.'

Her eyebrows raised, while she gave him a small nod. 'Get you!'

'Yes, uh, thank you.' He smiled a little.

'That'll mean longer hours, right? As well as all the responsibility, and pay, of course.'

Alicia had a way of hovering in and out of drunkenness, often appearing drunk when it mattered, and sober when it didn't.

'Yes, all of those.' Ethan replied evenly, not displaying the surprise he felt at her recognition of the practicalities.

'And what about Lilah?' She asked.

'The baby? I'm still trying to sort something. The nursery won't cover the amount of hours I'll be needing each week. Childminders are too unreliable, so that's out of the window. To be honest, it's looking like the nursery crèche. That and Charlie, when he's not at work.'

'Good old uncle Charlie, eh?' Alicia said quietly.

'Yes.' Ethan agreed. 'Yes, we'd be lost without him, me and D.'

'That crèche is _seriously_ terrible. When doing work experience, I did a placement there for a couple of weeks. The things they do and say to those kids. Toddlers, babies, just getting manky toys to play with while they all sit on their arses and have a coffee. It was voluntary, but I felt I was running the place alone!' Alicia shuddered.

'Thanks... for that.' He said flatly.

'What? I'm just saying, it's not great.'

'You called it terrible.' He reminded.

'Well, if it were up to me, I wouldn't send my baby-'

An awkward pause. 'She is yours too, so I'll take it on board. It's just I've exhausted all other options, quite literally. We've never had an awful experience with the crèche before, and if anything goes wrong, they will alert me-'

'I'll watch her.' Alicia said quietly.

'Uh, I don't think-'

'No, go on. You've just said you're struggling. I'm still off sick, aren't I? We'll sort something when I go back to work. If - I'm still around.' A telling hiccup. 'I'm very dependable, you know.'

He sighed. 'Are you sure you're getting help? I mean, what if you leave again? You might not be able to help it. She needs constant attention, she's tiny, perhaps-'

'It's under control.' She waved a hand, dismissive, voice slurred slightly.

'How? You don't see anyone, you don't-'

'I'm on medication.' She mumbled, eyes flickering shut.

'Medication?' Ethan repeated. 'Since when?'

After waiting several seconds with no reply, he stood up and gently pulled on her eyelid.

'Unconscious.' He muttered. 'That's great, Alicia. So great.'

He pressed two fingers to her neck, and then rolled her into the recovery position. Pulling her bag onto his knee, he started to fumble around. His fingers closed over a silvery packet, and he lifted it to his eye line for inspection.

'SSRI...' He mumbled to himself.

Alicia's eyes had opened and she begun to wince. 'Put it down, Ethan.'

'This?' He asked, shaking it slightly in her direction. 'What is it? Setraline?'

She shook her head lazily, an incoherent mumble escaping her lips.

'You've gone nought to zero in seconds and I am worried. You are capable of speech, tell me again, what is it?'

'You don't need to know. I'll be fine, t-trust-'

'Nod if I'm right. Paroxetine?'

Her expression contorted and she slid a hand down her face.

'Reckless of you.' He raised an eyebrow, tossing it aside. 'How many did you take this morning?'

'Two.'

'And how long have you been taking them? How many days?'

'About two weeks.' She replied.

'Where did you get them, were they prescribed by a doctor?'

Silence.

'These are really dangerous and you should know better.' He told her.

'They're not the worst out there.'

He choked out a laugh, in disbelief of her naivety and stupidity. More than anything, he was disappointed. Under his supervision, he'd watched her grow to be such a careful doctor, so attentive, so aware. Either the lapse of a year or the knowledge that it would only impact on her had made her make the wrong decision. It was bad to take prescription drugs when they hadn't been prescribed, irrespective of medical knowledge. It was _worse_ to mix them with alcohol. With this in mind, Ethan had brought her a glass of water and begun to insist she drink it.

'Stop fretting, won't kill me.' She muttered sulkily, when he pressed the glass to her lips.

'No, but the side effects of mixing drink and paxin should be dizziness, headache, confusion. Not complete unconsciousness.'

'I fainted for like, two seconds.'

He frowned. 'It was longer. Besides, if you're so changed and mindful of your daughter, you would listen to advice and drink the bloody water.'

'You're overreacting.' She decided.

'Okay.' He said quietly. 'Have this. I am worried about the reaction you have had with the drug, it is not typical. Just because it won't kill you, doesn't mean you can afford to be silly. It's all a very juvenile stance to take.'

'I'm _sure_ it is.' She laughed scathingly. 'I have nothing to lose.'

'How can you even say that?' He replied, but her eyes had shut once more.

Somewhere between feeling concerned and feeling angry, he realised her words weren't a true reflection of her feelings, and rather were that of that state she was in. Though clearly confused, his medical knowledge coupled with experience told him it was nothing a sleep couldn't fix.

'Shall we get you to bed?' He offered, voice slightly softer.

'Which bed? What about showering?' She asked.

'Never mind that.' He replied, tired himself.

Alicia obliged, moving one foot clumsily in front of the other as he guided her to bed.

'I probably should take more medication.' She remembered suddenly as he folded back the cover.

'Rather you a little down than in a state of disorientation. I'll sort it out for you properly tomorrow when I go to work. Good of you to... you know... seek help.' He said gruffly.

Her face crumpled then. 'I'm lucky to have a friend. Aren't friends great?'

Ethan nodded, eyelids feeling heavy. 'Yes, they are great. Get in to bed.'

'In my clothes?' She mumbled.

His cheeks tinged pink. She had a point.

'Yeah, why not? Do you not have anything in that hold all?'

She hesitated, finger to her lips in thought. 'I might, but-'

'Never mind. Sleeping in your clothes never hurts anyone once in a while.' He said, thinking of the logistics and how long it would take her to change. It was even worth sacrificing the cleanliness of his retreat to get her to sleep for the night.

'But I'll make your bed all dirty...'

He dodged the creaky floorboard as he made his way to check on the baby near the window. 'Well, I'll take the sofa and wash the covers tomorrow. Stop worrying, Alicia. That's _my_ job.'

She giggled lightly, eyes fluttering shut once more. 'Love you.'

Delilah was still sleeping, to his relief. He paused, wondering if his ears had played tricks on him. Alicia had, in a split second, replicated the baby's resting expression, though, so he couldn't ask her to repeat. If he hadn't been so shaken by what he thought he'd heard, he would have appreciated the cuteness of the similarities the pair shared.

He swallowed. She'd said it before, but not upfront, and not those two words. What then? It made things messier.

 _She's confused. Doesn't know her own mind, anyway. She'd be mortified in the morning._

With a little sigh, he dodged the culprit floorboard and turned out the light. Crashing on the sofa before his first shift as a consultant was not ideal, but there was no way Mrs Beauchamp would ever find out anyway.

After he'd tidied the mess from the living room, he quickly scribbled on a Post-It with a pen he'd found lying around the kitchen:

' _Alicia,_

 _It's forgotten already. Not sure quite how much you'll recall, but I'm working 7-7 today. Taken the baby to the crèche, I am confident she's well looked after there. Meet me there if you want, but I understand if not._

 _Help yourself to everything in the kitchen. I've left a spare key where we always used to keep them, should you need it. Soap powder and washing machine tablets under the sink as usual if you want to put a wash on. Few old tees in my wardrobe though, if you'd rather._

 _Your favourite is in the fridge too. Little things._

 _Ethan'_


	16. Chapter 15

**_Bonnie Sveen Fan: Thank you!_**

 ** _ReadingxTherapy: He really is! You're right - he is so generous and lovely, he would do anything for those he cares about. Thanks for your continued support xx_**

 ** _TheBeautifulNerd: Cheers!! Hope you enjoy the update x_**

'Morning. Heard there's a new doctor about the town?' Charlie greeted a nervous Ethan with a smile.

'New doctor? Quite possibly there is. Hope he's competent.'

'Oh, I'm sure he is,' Charlie patted him on the shoulder with a small smile. 'In fact, I know so. The most important thing is that he believes in himself.'

Out of nowhere, Mrs Beauchamp turned the corner, silencing them with her mere presence. 'Ah, Ethan, perfect. Your first case. Lead, please. Dr Masum will observe, and locum Dr Grange will assist. Staff nurse Miller, you too.'

'Where's Elle? Dylan?' Ethan asked.

Connie frowned, gathering papers together on the desk in a swift movement of the hands before turning and raising an eyebrow. 'Elle is off, Dylan is in cubicles. I'm in my office, though I have some work to do and don't expect to be bothered in the next two hours.'

'What if there's an emergency?' His eyes widened, looking from a bewildered Rash

to an equally vacant, unfamiliar doctor.

'Nothing you can't handle. Am I right?' Connie challenged.

'Of course,' He sighed, making eye contact with her in a bid to communicate his desperation. She purposefully ignored it though, turning towards her office, leaving him to blunder in the foyer of the hospital. A hand flew up to adjust his spectacles, then fell back down by his side. Up to the face again, then back down. He didn't have much time to feel flustered, as the doors slammed open with force.

'This is Ollie, 19 years old. Sustained a dislocation, deep tissue laceration and minor cuts and bruising after what his sister tells us was a bad fall from some scaffolding. Query tib fib fracture and internal damage. GCS 13, BP 140/80, SATS 98%. 1g of IV paracetamol given on scene, but he might need something stronger.' Iain nodded at Ethan.

'Bay 3, please.' He asserted.

'3 looks busy, doc.' Rash mentioned, pulling a face at what was, quite obviously, a patient lying there intubated.

'Of course. Bay 4. How silly of me.' Ethan said.

'Ethan, you're doing fine.' Robyn whispered. 'Absolutely fine. Don't worry.'

'Thanks, I wasn't worried.' He snapped. 'On my count then. 1, 2, 3-'

While Rash and the locum were tending to the patient and receiving notes, Ethan approached Iain.

'The surname, it's the same as... did you say it was... sorry, as in, M, u, n—'

'With an O, mate.' Iain gave him a sympathetic look. 'Quite common.'

'Yes. Apologies, I just-'

Iain waved a hand. 'Look, I'd be the same. She'll turn up mate, any bird would. She loves you and the kiddo deep down.'

'Thanks.' He nodded, biting his tongue. He had no time to explain, nor the inclination. It would seem odd to just drop into conversation that she was tucked away in his flat. 'Honestly, you're a true friend.'

Iain pulled a face. 'No... problem? Lily wants to drop off Christmas presents for the baby at some point and come round for a cuddle, she says. Some point this weekend, I assume. She's got a sniffle bless her, behaving like a right morngy so and so. Waiting on her hand and foot, I am. Been a relief to leave her home alone today. Work actually feels like a break.' He scoffed.

Ethan was torn between feeling amused and insulted, but whichever emotion took precedent, he definitely empathised with his colleague a little more than he'd ever know.

'Ah. Thank you, you'd both be welcome. Delilah's always snotty, so don't worry about passing on germs.' Ethan replied, glancing back over to the patient he'd already abandoned. 'Sorry, I must get on.'

'Alright mate, course. Catch you later.' Iain waved a hand, taking the trolley and leaving resus after Sam.

With a dry mouth, he turned back to the patient. He'd waited for this moment since he started medical school - anticipated it, dreamed of it, and here it was. His very own case, from start to finish. Everything his responsibility.

Fresh. Exciting. _Terrifying_.

For some reason, he didn't want to involve himself. He stood back and watched as Rash and the locum worked, Robyn assisting where need be and turning round every so often, giving him a strange look.

His mouth was dry, all moisture leaving after the small talk with a colleague, a friend. His mind was all over, he'd agreed to visitors and there was no time for visitors, however well meaning. The bills needed paying in the flat. The place was a mess. Lights and towels needed washing, surfaces wiping, nappy bin taking out, not to mention the lacklustre (and admittedly terribly placed) decorations. And, _she_ was there. It was all embarrassing.

It wasn't like him to favour chitchat over medicine, but in that moment, he did. Bring him someone who'd talk about the weather, the time of year, what they'd heard on the radio. Anything _but_ having to take charge of a case.

-x-

'We're home!' Ethan called, as he stepped over the threshold. He was only a moment on the doorstep, brushing his shoes violently on the mat to clean them of dirt.

No answer.

His chest sank a little, sinking even more as he pushed the bedroom door open and saw nobody there.

'Alicia?' He called, voice catching in his throat.

'Through here.' A quiet reply.

Alicia sat cross legged on the living room floor, but she wasn't alone. Lily accompanied her, sitting in a similar fashion.

'Oh, Lily!' Ethan's tone of voice didn't match his facial expression, which try as he might, he couldn't disguise. 'Iain mentioned you'd pop over...'

'I'm still a bit snuffly, but I'll leave now the baby's back. Don't want to spread any germs.' She jumped up.

He tossed the keys aside, not noticing the clatter they made. His eyes landed on the sink, stacked high of crockery.

'Stay. If you have, they'll already be in the air, won't they?'

Alicia cleared her throat, pulling a face at Lily. 'Bad day, Eth?'

Trying not to appear irked, he turned to unzip the baby's coat. Alicia was just as much of a guest as Lily, as far as she was concerned. 'I saved a patient, so no, not a bad day. Busy, that's all. I've left the new prescription in the bedroom, Alicia.'

-x-

With his friend gone, Ethan had managed to bathe, towel and dress his daughter for bed. It took only a quick bottle and a story before she was fast asleep, to his relief.

At the sink, there was finally time to chat. Arms deep in bubbles, they were bound to the job, and bound to each other's company too.

'I'm sorry, she called, and-' Alicia's eyes were full of apology. 'Since it was the house phone, I knew as soon as I'd answered that I shouldn't have, but...'

'Hey, don't worry.' He smiled. 'It's peaceful now, that's all that matters. People at work will find out gradually too, which is better than a shock revelation. I didn't mean to be bad tempered, but I'm just worn out.' He paused. 'Presuming you don't remember last night?'

'No, not really.' She admitted.

'I just told you about work. I'm a consultant now, today being the first shift.'

'Oh, God, course! Thought I'd dreamed that. I'd have run you a bath, you should've messaged.'

'Delilah would always need hers first, anyway.' He replied, placing a bowl on the side to drain. 'That was awfully rude of me. Kind offer, is what I meant. There's no excuse for forgetting my manners.'

'It's fine, all that responsibility seems to have put a weight on your shoulders. Understandably so, too. You do a good job.' She paused for a second in thought, expression softening.

They were silent for a while, scrubbing the dirt away from the plates. Equally lost for words, equally having too much to say all at the same time. An old tea towel was used to dry the damp away; Ethan busied himself with the " _putting away_ " while she scrubbed everything to within an inch of its life.

Once every item had been dealt with, she outstretched the piece of material. As he clasped it, their fingers brushed. The wince that followed was taken in unison, grinding everything to a halt. She took a sharp intake of breath, turning her back to him.

'The lights are beautiful,' Alicia whispered finally, breaking the quiet that had descended with her awe-struck tones.

'D'you think?' He leaned forward, pressing his nose to the glass and watching out. 'I suppose they are quite. The window ones are, anyway. Can't say the same about that bloody tree.'

A wail reached their ears, abruptly alerting them. She stepped forward, instinctively, then looked back at him. Both froze. A few seconds passed before longer cries, harsh and continuing, forced them to move.

'You go,' She said delicately, shrinking back to the window.

He dithered, taking a stride and then pausing. ' _You_ go. This is important.'

'She won't know me, I won't be able to calm her down like you can-' Her eyes were wild with panic, urgency and fear etched into her expression.

Helpless in the moment, he offered a shrug, own expression wobbling. 'Please, don't let her be sad.'

-x-

It had been a slow couple of minutes before the girls returned.

Though minor, Ethan had managed to berate himself impressively in that time, questioning why he himself didn't tend to his baby daughter immediately. It wasn't him. She was the driving force of his life, and he was her rock. He had a duty. He had promised to do everything. Even the little things.

Breathing out slowly and carefully, he turned his attention to what was happening outside. His mindfulness app had taught him to do so, " _appreciation is a virtue_ ", so it quoted. Though trying to avert his skepticism, he doubted its legitimacy from that day onwards. He wasn't prepared to follow advice from an app whose creators had misquoted one of the most well-known sayings out there.

The street below, he noticed, was washed anew with a blanket of white. Each flake fluttered and danced as it spiralled downwards, adopting its own pattern like colourless confetti in a wintery ballroom. One of nature's true gifts - something that could only be captured by the human eye, and that in itself was beyond precious. It was untouched. It was asking to be stepped on, made snow angels out of.

'Someone was feeling a wee bit lonely,' Alicia's voice carried through, making him turn around.

The resemblance between the two was uncanny - he'd thought it always, but seeing them together was even weirder. Mousy blonde curls, big wide eyes, crazily long eyelashes, dimples scattered about fair complexions.

He tutted fondly. 'Remind dadda why he bothered trying to incorporate a bedtime routine?'

Alicia smiled, though she was too preoccupied drinking in the feeling of having her baby in her arms. 'Beautiful girly. Let's get rid of those tears, hey.'

Delilah snuffled quietly in response, before burying her head firmly into Alicia's shoulder.

'Watch this,' Ethan chuckled. 'Delilah, look, _lights_.'

Quickly and comically, the baby's head shot up. 'Lies!' She repeated, wriggling enthusiastically.

 _Like mother, like daughter._

'That lisp!' Alicia clasped her her hand to her chest.

'I know! She was saying it in the car home. She loves them. I now have two fans of the window decorations, I feel rather popular. I daresay our downstairs neighbours might have something to say. They're just a little excessive...'

'They're classy and festive, as Christmas ought to be. Makes for cheap presents if that's what keeps her happy.' Alicia smiled down at the baby.

'She has more than she needs, and I haven't even finished internet shopping.' He replied.

'You better hurry then, it's Christmas a week today! I bet she'll be more interested in the wrapping paper. It's not like kids even know what's going on at that age.'

'Oh, I'm going the whole hog.' He said. 'Whether she knows or not. It's important she's spoiled, I think. I want her to have the experience I never had - and to have it every year.'

'That's lovely.' She whispered, swaying slightly from side to side.

He shrugged again, collecting the condensation from the window with a fingertip. It wasn't great to stay inside and let conversation run dry, whilst simply observing all the magic unfolding outside.

He had an idea.

It was silly considering the time, the circumstances and how clean and warm the three of them were.

'Have a coat?' He asked her.

A dubious head shake. 'No, why?'

Their gaze travelled to Delilah, who was staring, suddenly mystified at the snow. This spurred him on further.

'I have spare thermals and layers. First snowman of winter time.' His eyes sparkled.

Alicia frowned at him. 'I can think of ninety-nine reasons why that's not a sensible idea. She's nearly asleep, for starters. C'mon, you're not the reckless one.'

'Then think of the one reason why it is! You're not the boring one.' He retorted, lowering the blind and practically running to the bedroom.

She gave a surrendering sigh, swinging round with a rueful smile. ' _Alright_ —'

He gave a triumphant grin. 'For the sake of memories.'

'For the sake of memories.'


	17. Chapter 16

**_Hey all, quick filler chapter. Next one will be a Christmassy one and probably will get it done on 24th :-) hope you're all enjoying the season. I definitely am!_**

'Since when was Google searching for matching festive pyjamas the work of an accident and emergency consultant?' Connie raised an eyebrow, but not without a smirk, as she took her seat in the staffroom shared by only the consultants.

'Uh, sorry, need to catch next day delivery, considering it's the 23rd, and I have thirteen minutes in which to do so...'

'Alright.' She replied, sitting down on the swivel chair. 'Three items in your basket, I see. Cause babies are always sick on the pair they've got on, aren't they?'

Ethan sighed. 'Yes, I am always doing the washing these days. Never hurts to have a spare pair I suppose.'

The clinical lead just smirked at his fabrication she knew to be false, taking a pen in her right hand and beginning to scribble down on paper. 'Alicia has been in touch this morning. She explained everything to me.'

He didn't have chance to disguise his shock. 'Uh, yes. I found her in town. Literally, _found_. It was strange. She's staying at ours though, while she gets back on her feet.'

'Ours?' Connie asked. 'Freudian slip?'

'Uh, no,' He laughed nervously. 'Mine and the baby's.'

'Course, I forget to count Delilah, sorry-'

'Well, she's as much a family member as anyone else has been to me.' Ethan shrugged absentmindedly. 'Makes sense, doesn't it?'

'Yeah. Good of you to put her up. Must be a little awkward, though.' She said lightly.

Events of a few evenings previous came back to him at once. The sheer iciness, the howling wind, the snow, the rosy cheeks, the giggles. Awkward certainly wasn't the term he'd use. In fact, nothing had felt more comfortable. It had been late and dark and cold and everyone sane had been in bed, so their antics had gone unnoticed. Having a secret felt weird.

The corners of his lips twitched. 'Only a bit. It's not actually that bad, really.'

'And how are you finding the demands of the job?'

'Well, it's the end of the third shift, so, based on that, relatively straightforward thus far. I must say, having so much patient involvement is great.' He nodded with enthusiasm.

Connie frowned. 'Being covered in various bodily fluids and snowed under with paperwork, that is. You true optimist.'

'Did you not call me cynical only the other day?' He challenged back.

Her mouth opened, then closed, then opened, quivering. He'd knocked the words out of Mrs Beauchamp's mouth, weirdly, a feat to be proud of oneself for.

'Certainly can't fault your memory, Dr Hardy.' She spoke eventually, offering a little smile as she looked up from her computer screen. She liked someone who could question her and her actions, and he knew this.

'You're working Christmas Day, right?' Ethan asked.

'Indeed. I might as well.' She said, eyes glazing over.

He felt sympathetic towards her all of a sudden, drawing closer to the desk. 'I'm sure Grace will be in touch.'

'Are you? I'm not,' She replied, still smiling, fiddling with the pen lid.

'She knows it's Christmas, and she still loves you. Sam too.' He paused. 'N-not necessarily love, Sam, I mean, but I meant that it's the time of year for-'

She did little to quell his nerves, letting him get more and more flustered and pink-cheeked by the second before coolly intervening with a little nod and a 'thanks'. Talking about herself made her uneasy, she was private to a fault. The slightest mention of an ex, or any family member, and she'd clam up and go all funny. Ethan knew it wasn't worth pushing it. Everyone had their demons, even his very own godlike clincal lead.

'What're you doing about gifts? The baby, Alicia, friends-'

'I took part in that secret Santa thing, I had Dylan. He bought me an advanced book, "guide for successful consultants", or something like that.' He said.

Connie snorted, then cleared her throat to disguise it. She disapproved of many books with titles akin to the one he'd mentioned; no guide can ever teach you what you need to know. She also disapproved of Secret Santa and other "silly" ideas. It was unclear which had made her react. Slightly ruffled, Ethan continued.

'Delilah has stacks. It is ridiculous, really, but the sort of endearing stupid where you know all the mess and clutter will be worth it. I have to spoil her, even if it means sitting with a screwdriver all day rendering myself a cripple forevermore, bad back, eye strain and all. As for Alicia, well, we've agreed not to bother for one another. She needs a job first, and-'

'She has a job, her position has just been held temporarily.' Connie corrected.

'Of course, but it makes money difficult, I think. I don't want to make her feel awkward by buying for her if she can't buy back. Friendship runs deeper than just a few presents on one day of a year, right? I mean, I'm not even that religious.'

'Sounds to me as if you're making excuses.' She raised an eyebrow.

'I'm not. I'm agnostic, I promise.' He replied, clicking away at the computer. 'These pyjamas are sort of a present anyway, so I don't feel as bad.'

'Thought they were the baby's?' She shot back immediately.

He gave a little eye roll, tutting with frustration. 'Made it with one minute to spare! Let's hope they come in time for Christmas.'

Crossing off the tabs and closing down the computer, he lowered himself down and knelt under the desk. He breathed out steadily and stayed crouched there for a moment. It was quite easy, pretending he was looking for something in his bag. Weird behaviour to an onlooker, but the atmosphere was incredibly intense, and he needed a literal escape in the moment.

'Does it satisfy some obsessive tendency, is that what it is?' She asked, persisting.

'I don't follow.' Ethan said simply, reemerging clumsily and pulling his satchel onto his knee.

'Elf pyjamas. It's all very sweet, albeit borderline twee, but I just cannot fathom for the life of me something.'

He laughed then. 'How do-'

'It is unusual to want to wear identical nightwear with a _friend_.' She widened her eyes intentionally.

'I sleep on the sofa, b-' He begun, before stopping with expression incredulous. 'Don't you have anything better to be doing? Files, rota organising, emails, spreadsheets?'

'Of course I do. There's always something to do. I was simply putting you first.' She smiled, eyes fixed on him as he squirmed with embarrassment. 'It's none of my business though. The real reason I approached you wasn't for a review. It was to give you this.' She rooted around in the drawer under the desk, producing a little, perfectly-wrapped gift in pink cellophane. 'Santa's bought enough for Delilah already. Put this under the tree too.'

'That's very kind,' Ethan replied, taking it and holding it in both hands. 'Have a lovely Christmas, Mrs Beauchamp. Your card is in the mail, first class. We tried to get the paints out to make a little handprint reindeer, but... well, I won't spoil the surprise.'

She chuckled. 'Take good care of yourself. And I mean _yourself_.'

'You too.'


	18. Chapter 17

Desperately trying to muffle giggles, Alicia crept out of the little room they'd moved the baby to a few nights before.

'She's spark out,' She whispered. 'I can't believe it. It's that room, must be working already. Almost seems a shame to wake her.'

'Then let's not.' Ethan replied idly. 'It's very difficult to make breakfast with a small child in the vicinity anyway.'

They tiptoed into the kitchen, trying to avoid the creaky floorboards. It was silly; even an earthquake wouldn't cause the baby to stir. Being quiet though felt like part of the fun, and it somehow stirred the magic feeling inside.

He caught sight of the door. A pile of mail sat proudly on the mat already, clearly posted through by a neighbour. Silently, Ethan felt grateful of the gesture of good will from one of the other residents in the building. It meant that there would be definitely no leaving of the flat. Not for anyone. Except, of course, a walk if Delilah got cranky or they ate one too many mince pies.

Making his way over, he bent down to pick it up. Christmas cards decorated in delicate envelopes and swirly lettering, and better, a squishy parcel he'd feared he wouldn't see before the new year. Yesterday's post, but the delay didn't matter. He jolted back up so quickly, jarring his back in the process.

He hissed, hand flying to the source of the pain.

'You okay?' Alicia's Geordie tones travelled through from the kitchen.

'Fine!' He lied cheerily, through gritted teeth.

Clearly unconvinced, she moved to stand in the doorway, fingers latched onto a coffee mug. Her blonde hair was messy, strands falling in front of her face. His own shirt hung off her shoulders, and had become a nightie as opposed to business wear forever more.

'Put your back out?' She asked.

'My back? Uh, no-'

She tilted her head to one side. 'Whenever you lie, you start it with "uh", every time.'

'It's something to do with having a speech impediment?' He snapped back, then saw her face. 'Sorry.'

'Can I help, or do you want me to crack on with breakfast? Pancakes?'

A noise came from the little bedroom.

Both looked at one another, equally wishing to rewind time.

'I'll go. You make a start on the food then.'

He tossed the parcel aside, immediately going to pick up his baby.

The room was dark, very dark. The blackout blinds were practical in the sense that when the lighter nights rolled round, as they inevitably would, it would stop even a chunk of light from wriggling its way in and causing chaos in terms of bedtime routine. But, Delilah didn't like dark. The hallway light was left on for her until she nodded off, so waking up with nothing at all was a shock.

'Daddy's here.' He blindly reached down into the cot, banging his elbow on the wooden bar as he went down.

A mumbled stream of curse words escaped his lips, forgetting at once to be mindful of little listening ears. Two podgy arms reached, linking behind his neck in the cutest of ways, and he kissed a sweaty temple lightly.

'Good morning, my darling. 7am - that's a Christmas treat for daddy!' He fixed hair that was glued to her hot little head, and wiped white flakes of last night's milk off her cheeks with the back of his hand.

Baby still in arms, he drew the curtains and winced at the light that came through. No snow, boringly enough, but a yellow-grey winter sky met his eyes. It felt right. Like Christmas, once more.

-x-

'Shall we go and see if Santa's been?' Alicia asked, throwing the plastic plates in the sink with a clatter. 'Let's go through!'

The three of them walked towards the living room. He eyed his Santa hat from the night before and nudged it aside with a toe.

Above all else, the living room looked beautiful. Presents covered the carpet, glittery and pink and beautiful and all Delilah's.

The tree lights sparkled - Alicia had insisted on leaving them on, even though Ethan was far too concerned with the bill and fire safety. Once they'd gone to bed, he'd crept back out to turn them off and woken up extra early to turn them on again. Nobody would ever know the difference. It was the first night that sleeping on the sofa wasn't an option, because of all the presents had to be stashed there instead, so leaving the room multiple times had been risky. Luckily, Alicia slept like the dead, so he'd been able to do it without anyone suspecting anything.

It was a wonderful first Christmas. Alicia set the baby down on the rug, letting her crawl and explore the exciting sparkly boxes. As he glazed over, he couldn't help but draw parallels with the Christmas before. So much had changed, yet lots was the same too.

Without waiting for permission, the baby had helped herself to the biggest parcel, tearing the paper with all her strength. Shocked, Ethan laughed. 'I don't have a clue where she's learned this. It's not even like she's had a birthday to practise.'

Alicia laughed too, bending forward to tie back the loose tuft of hair in a little bobble she'd rolled off her wrist.

'Ball.' Delilah announced, holding it up proudly to her dad.

'Nearly.' He laughed fondly. 'House.'

'Ows.' She repeated, jiggling up and down on the carpet. 'Big ows.'

Ethan and Alicia looked at one another, and then at the baby.

'Two words! Clever girl!' He exclaimed. 'Big house. For all your dollies to play in.'

They carefully unwrapped the presents parcel by parcel, till the floor was covered in wrapping paper. It was true that Delilah was more bothered about the paper - she was fascinated by tearing it to shreds and examining the way the tree's lights deflected onto the glitter.

Ethan partly wished he hadn't bothered, but he had felt obliged. The first dessert of the day was initiated by the baby herself, who had leaned forward and grabbed the round red box of celebrations, heaving them closer towards her. With help, she managed to get the lid off easily enough.

'Where are all the milky ways?' He asked, peering into the tub from the sofa. 'And Maltesers seem to be lacking.'

Alicia cleared her throat. 'Delilah and I got peckish the other day.'

'You fed her chocolate?' Ethan asked.

'Yeah, does no harm.' She answered, unwrapping a chocolate and biting half off before giving it to the baby.

'Open gut syndrome, early onset allergies, pre—'

'Which she won't get, she's one next week! It's just a bit of Christmas fun. I wouldn't have put her in danger, I'm not that reckless. You're cooking her a three course meal later on, aren't you?'

'That's different. It'll have been through the blender.' He sighed.

'Oh, lighten up. We've left your favourite, anyway.'

'Yeah, only because you don't like it!' He scoffed.

A bounty hit him in the side of the head, landing on his knee. He picked it up, unwrapping it in an instant, and downed it with a gulp of tea.

'Taking one for the team, Nibbles.' Alicia smiled.

'The team being you. They're the best ones, anyway.'

'I'm going to have about seven extra chins come new year.' She sighed.

'So is our little chub down there.' He pointed.

Sure enough, chocolate was plastered on the baby's face, down her chin, dribbling onto her festive pyjamas.

'What's Christmas morning without mess?' Alicia shrugged.

'Mess makes Christmas... Christmas.' He agreed.


	19. Chapter 18

'Jackie, oh...' His voice faltered immediately.

'Merry Christmas pet! Not stopping, I brought you and the baby some gifts to open. Brought Delilah's presents for the 30th, too. Just doing a drop.'

Alicia appeared, baby in arms. She didn't disguise her shock.

'Mam?'

'Alicia?!' Jackie returned, equally as shocked, transfixed by what she saw. Her daughter and granddaughter, messy hair and matching pyjamas, dinner remnants decorating the collar of Delilah's.

Both women turned to to Ethan with accusing looks. He swallowed hard, curling his toes further into the carpet in anguish and leaning against the doorframe. Tentatively, dazed, Jackie stepped forward across the threshold and reached out to the baby. Alicia looked to him straight away, as if asking permission, and he gave a little nod. Gently, the baby was passed over.

'Isn't she marvellous? So grown up.' Jackie whispered, holding the baby up to squint at her features.

'Mm.' Ethan replied, shuffling slightly, ignoring Alicia's attempts at eye contact.

'How come you're back, Alicia? And you said you'd let me know!' Jackie prodded him in the shoulder, making him recoil.

'Don't blame him, mam. I only came back a few days ago, this time of year's been hectic too. We needed a while - some space, rather - just to find our feet again.' She explained. 'Plus, you're here now, isn't that the main thing?'

'Why did you go? You missed so much! This poor man has been in bits without you, so forlorn and lost—'

'In bits?' Alicia echoed, exchanging glances with Ethan.

Above all, the unexpected visit from Delilah's grandmother had been testing for him. He was so torn, as usual, but he'd been put in a really awkward position. It felt as if he were being interrogated, and either attest or deny the statement and there'd be repercussions of some sort for someone. It was tiring and he was in the middle of the mess. Though it made him feel terrible, he couldn't help but wish for a rewind button and take himself back a couple of years.

'I see.' She whispered, when she had no reply from him.

'No, I- Jackie, you've seen me about three times, and not once have I discussed how I felt about anything other than the baby. Why are you twisting things?'

'So it's not true that you missed me?' Alicia said.

He sighed loudly. 'I'm not even having this conversation right now, it's not the right time.'

'Says who? Just because it's hard to deal with?' Jackie chipped in.

'No, because it's none of your business.' He snapped back, hoisting the child back.

'Ethan! She has a point.' Alicia reasoned.

Exasperated even more, he shook his head. 'No, no she doesn't! Why should I have to emotionally out myself for the gain of anyone else? I will tell you in due course. Out of everyone, I'm not the one with the justification to do.'

'And what's that supposed to mean?' Jackie shot back.

'Leave it, mam.' Alicia seemed to see reason suddenly, rubbing his shoulder for comfort. 'It's okay.'

'You still didn't answer my question, Alicia. Why did you leave?'

Small tears sprung back into her eyes, avoiding the question and turning to Ethan for her own comfort. Instead of dealing with things sensibly as his usual approach would be, he saw her broken expression and quickly saw red.

'I think it's time you left.' He said, expression stony. 'It was nice of you to consider the baby in terms of gifts.'

Jackie looked at him in outrage, then looked to her daughter. 'Well, don't cry, darling—'

'Leave please.' He repeated firmly, barely even noticing Alicia, who'd buried her face into his shoulder.

'I'll meet you for a coffee, mam. Seems we've a lot to discuss. Text me on the same number to arrange, or you can always text Ethan.' She sniffed, wiping her eyes on the back of her jumper sleeves.

'Right,' She bent over, picked up her bag and glared at him on her way out.

Swiftly and without thought, he passed the baby to Alicia and followed Jackie outside to the car, closing the door behind them.

-x-

When Ethan reentered, he was greeted with an anxious Alicia whose eyes were still watery.

'Where's the baby?' He asked immediately, expression fraught.

'I've put her down for a sleep, she's spark out after putting away that dinner.'

He cleared his throat, nodding, and walked back towards the kitchen. She followed.

'Are you cross?' She asked, passing him a tea towel.

He snatched it. 'Cross? Yes.'

'At me?'

He stopped drying the dishes, throwing the rag aside. 'No, not at you, far from it. Come here.'

Ethan enveloped her in an embrace, strong arms holding her tightly. Though smaller, she returned it with just as much force, and they stood rocking there for a while. For a while they stayed there, swaying from side to side, feeling a margin better than they felt as a solo being. Two bodies seemed more secure than one; they were equally reluctant to break apart.

'Your mum hit the nail on the head, which was why I clammed up. It seemed a bit of a bold thing to say, though I now see her good intentions for what they truly were. She just wanted to let you know the impact of you leaving. I didn't mean to kick her out like I did - she must think awfully of me.'

'No, I get it. She did mean well, but anyone would've reacted how you did. I can see how it put you under pressure. It's like when someone airs the truth you don't want to hear, it can cause you to get defensive. Same sort of thing. It wasn't rude of you, it was what we needed.' She said quietly, words slightly muffled in the hug.

'Course, I was _destroyed_ when you'd left. Really, truly gutted. Hearing it aloud brings it all back though. It's also not something I'd like to publicly declare. I had to grow a thick skin, any crack of weakness whatsoever and I would crumble. More than anything, I was kidding myself. Pretend to be strong till you are strong, sort of thing.'

'You _are_ strong.' She reassured. 'You brought up a little person all by yourself, for starters.'

'Poor little Delilah, in the midst of all this mess.' He mumbled.

'No, you're a great dad. You endeavour to put that baby first. My problems need to be discussed separately, I won't let them cloud her life. Or yours. My mam brought it over the doorstep today, Christmas of all days, and it's reminded me loud and clear that you don't need all this chaos.'

'That makes you a great mum.' He reached down to squeeze her hand. 'And an even greater friend.'


	20. Chapter 19

_**Hope you all had a lovely Christmas, or holidays if you don't celebrate the day itself! Thanks for your lovely comments too. Tried my best with this one, but note there is reference to mental health issues/depression throughout.**_

 _ **Let me know what you think.**_

The ED was crowded with patients, all of whom were either coughing, sneezing, screaming, vomiting or doing all four simultaneously. The physical capability of some people never failed to shock Ethan, who was particularly intrigued and disgusted by a patient who was being sick and continuing to drink while doing so.

'Can I help?' He tentatively asked, hand to the shoulder of the woman in question.

'I don't know, can you? We've been waiting two bloody hours.' The older woman beside her, who was presumably her friend, answered.

'I see. I'll just speak to my colleagues about that—'

'Ethan, with me.' Connie swooped by. 'Quickly.'

'Again?' He called, but resorted to having to pace after her quickly to her office. 'Delilah liked her present by the way. Very thoughtful of you. A proper keepsake, we can put it on the tree next year. And the year after, and—'

'Everyone's called in sick. We have a waiting time of five hours. We are in the red. Hannsen is on his way, I am desperate. Do what you can.'

'Meaning?!'

'Work! As hard as you can! Rally staff, do whatever it takes.' She said, gesturing wildly with her hands.

'And what are _you_ doing, exactly?' The words were out his mouth before he could stop them.

Her eyes goggled in outrage, before she eventually snarled a reply. 'Sorting these documents, the ones that are imperative to our patients' safety.'

'Wouldn't it be better if you were out helping?' He fired back, losing all regard for manners and consideration.

'Wouldn't it be better if _you_ stopped telling _me_ how to do _my_ job?' She glared. 'Now go. You're a consultant, for crying out loud. Use your brain... if there's one in there.'

With new and rather discouraging lack of motivation, he left the office. More patients had entered. Dylan stormed by, harassed, while Elle shot him a desperate look. He groaned. Saving lives was definitely harder on some days than others.

-x-

Alicia linked her fingers together under the coffee table, picking at loose skin around her thumb. Jackie was due back from the counter any minute.

The coffee shop was tucked away and had been his recommendation. Though not a branded one, it certainly was cosy, and she preferred to judge a place on its coffee rather than its reputation. And, of course, she hadn't been disappointed on that front.

The drink in the mug steamed perfectly; a careful blend of beans and sugar and milk. She peered into the murky depths of the liquid, feeling more and more uneasy as time passed.

A steady stream of customers floated and in and out, each with their own lives and stories to tell. They all seem unfazed by the day, treating it as if it were a mere grain of sand against hundreds and hundreds of beaches. They addressed one another with a smile and sometimes a wave, or just a simple nod after looking up from a newspaper. Things were that easy, yet there she was, in turmoil over meeting her own mother. It had only been a year.

'Sorry, bit of a queue.' Jackie said, sliding two plates onto the table then taking a seat.

'Scones.' Alicia recognised fondly, nostalgia twisting what would have been a smile.

'Not just any scones, eh?'

'Scones with sultanas in, and jam and cream.'

'Exactly. Us girls need a treat from time to time.'

'Thanks mam, you shouldn't have though.' Alicia said quietly.

'Why not? Come on, you can't be worried about weight sweetheart, you're stick thin!' Jackie exclaimed.

'It's not that, I just feel guilty that it takes something tangible to bring us together.'

Jackie frowned as if she didn't understand, then readjusted her bag on her knee and cut into the scone. Alicia decided against pressing the matter, after all, it was only a few pounds. She did similarly, taking a careful bite of her own.

'So, why did you go?' She asked. 'You can tell me now that boyfriend of yours isn't around.'

Alicia nearly choked on the crumbs. 'He's not— I had to get away. I wasn't thinking straight, I won't pretend I was, but staying didn't feel right. Leaving my baby was difficult but I never really felt that pull. Arguably didn't give myself chance to, but I was down and in denial. Staying would've polluted what should have been a happy time.'

'Lots of new mothers feel that way. Did you not confide in anyone, no?' Jackie asked, unfolding a serviette and wiping her mouth.

Alicia sighed. 'I was the broken one. Everyone would have secretly judged me for keeping it a secret and then admitting to being miserable. What sort of mother doesn't connect with their little one? Every parent is overjoyed when they get their new little bundle.' She paused, almost hesitating. 'When Delilah was placed into my arms, I felt nothing but dread. I'll never forget Ethan's face, it- it lit up. He was over the moon, mam, and I wanted her to vanish. From the get go, it was a recipe for disaster.'

'Maybe if you'd acknowledged your pregnancy earlier and told someone, you could have felt differently come the birth.' Jackie suggested.

'Yeah, well, I didn't.' She stared into the murky depths of the drink, in a trance. 'I wanted to just ignore it until I couldn't anymore. The first night was the turning point. She cried the whole twelve hours long, as babies do. I let Ethan sleep, it was my role to get up and the hospital had tried to help me express milk. I was in pain and hot and bothered, Delilah was wailing, I only quietened her by like 7am. She hadn't rested and neither had I. I thought to myself, if this is what it's like, I don't want a part in it. I scribbled a note and... and... left, I suppose.'

'A bit selfish.' Jackie wrinkled her nose. 'Ethan didn't have a choice in raising the baby, did he? You just left him with it. He didn't have the option to walk, because you chose to instead.'

'Mam, I'm trying to explain here.' Alicia interrupted crossly. 'You're either listening or you're not.'

'What made you return, answer me that.' Jackie said, in a tone that suggested it was more of a statement than a question.

'I didn't return.' She said softly. 'Not as such. I was busking in town, as I used to like to do in med school, and they bumped into me. Made me go home. I was staying in the hostels before.'

'And did you let the hostels know?' Jackie quizzed.

'Of course I did, I was in touch straight away that night.'

'Are you getting help now? Medication? Counselling?' She asked.

'I don't need counselling, I just need a friend.' Alicia mumbled. 'Ethan mentioned something about it, but I'm not so sure. He sorted me out with better medication, I wanted to drink the odd glass and I couldn't on the old one.'

'I see. What about a job?' She asked, disdain obvious on her face.

'My job has always been on hold. I've been in touch with my boss who's agreed I'll start back in the new year, subject to me filling out a weekly progress report and signed and countersigned form.' She paused. 'I feel a bit bombarded with questions. I said I'd meet you, but for a chat, not an interrogation. You know everything you need to know.'

Jackie huffed. 'I agreed I'd meet you for your benefit.'

'The main reason I even suggested it mam was to get you out the flat! Ethan was furious because we'd both been upset on Christmas, I had to stop him from going after you once he'd come back inside. Don't tell me this is for my benefit at all!'

'Maybe those tablets aren't working. You're a little too snappy for my liking.'

'Oh, sod off.' Alicia felt her cheeks get hotter.

She snatched her bag from the floor, phone from the table and weaved in and out of the tables until she was out of the door.

Upset, she typed out a message as quickly as she could:

' _Parents are bad news. Just embarrassed myself in that nice little cafe, completely lost it with mam. So many questions being asked, all she was doing was judging me. Glad it didnt happen at the flat though. Hope your shifts going well. Might pick up D from creche if thats good with you?'_

-x-

He groaned, slumping against his locker. There were few things worse than a bad day at work, but knowing of someone else's upset and being powerless to fix it was definitely a contender.

The message he'd received four minutes previous, 14:15, made him regret even going to work. He had one real duty when he woke up that morning, and it didn't involve a stethoscope.

 _'Feel free to go get her, would be doing me a favour. ED rammed but going to try get off early x'_

He put his phone back in the locker and closed his eyes. The argument with Connie was definitely a regret of his, even though he knew full well that both were simply stressed. It was another thing on his plate that he didn't need. He then felt worse for having time to overthink such a trivial thing while there were people in the building dying. Having a break, no matter how short, felt like taking liberties on such a busy day. There were so many patients in need of help and not enough members of staff to treat. In spite of this, he longed to be at home. There was too much to do that was more important than any work could ever be.

-x-

The flat was silent when Ethan walked in. He dumped the carrier bags that had been slicing his hands; banners and packets of balloons spewing out.

He straight away clocked the pairs of shoes at the door, including a cream buckled pair that were Delilah's first fitted shoes. They looked tiny next to the pumps aside them, and even they weren't huge. A wave of fatigue washed over him as he fumbled about in the dark, trying to undo his own pair of brogues. For satisfaction, he placed them next to Alicia's, so they were in ascending order. In doing so, he felt a warm fuzzy sensation spread across his chest.

'Hello!' He called, walking towards the baby's room.

No answer. Quiet singing instead. Soft, soothing, unmistakable. He stopped where he was on the carpet.

The door nudged open slightly, so he swung it open. Instantly his eyes landed on Alicia, who was swinging gently from side to side. She widened her eyes, as if to warn him to be quiet, so he obeyed and fell silent.

'Dadda-' Delilah begun, little head jerking round.

'No dadda, shh, sleepy time,' Alicia whispered back, holding the baby's head to her shoulder and turning away towards the window.

The rocking and quiet singing persisted, to Ethan's surprise, for he assumed she'd stop in his presence. The funny lullaby continued for another few minutes before it ceased altogether, and the infant was steadily placed on her back in the cot.

Alicia raised her eyebrows at him, almost triumphant, then crept to the doorway to sit next to him. Both sat against the wall for some time, watching as their child slept.

'I wondered where you were.' He mentioned. 'And then I heard.'

'How was your day?' Alicia whispered, pulling her hoodie of his down slightly.

'So so. Loads of staff ill, had a bit of a tiff with Mrs Beauchamp which I now regret. All the better for seeing little one asleep though, she's normally really fussy.'

'Well, it's my influence, you see.' She smiled thoughtfully. 'When I went to pick her up, they were all doing water painting outside. Fresh air probably tired her out.'

'Probably,' He agreed. 'Oh, I can't believe she's one tomorrow. I'm going to have to set her presents out and decorate the living room a little before bed.'

'It's insane. A whole year. Gone quick do you think?'

He thought a while. 'Yes and no. You?'

'Same.' She replied. 'She's the double of you.'

'I can't see it, I think she's all you. Same hair, same little voice, same dimples, same chubby cheeks—

'My cheeks aren't chubby!'

He chuckled. 'Matter of personal opinion. There's nothing wrong with it. Makes you look like a hamster.'

Alicia frowned. 'Well, I think she's like you because of the way her little chest rises and falls in that funny way, and how it goes quicker when she's grumpy or tired. She's thoughtful, you can tell, not impulsive at all. She's very clever - said "naise" for her spaghetti that I made her earlier. She does the animal sounds in books...'

'Are you saying I sound like an animal?' He asked.

They both laughed lightly, pressing hands to the back of their mouths to stifle it and as not to wake up their daughter.

'Well, all down to personal opinion, I'd say.' She whispered.

'What happened with your mum anyway? Got the impression you were a little wound up earlier.'

'I don't even know, she was just demanding to know about my medication, then accusing me of being selfish when I left, like it's her place to say that.'

'She might have just been concerned.' Ethan suggested. 'Sounds to me like she wants the best for you, that's what I gathered at Christmas. Sometimes it just comes across a little wrong.'

Alicia thought for a moment, then sighed. 'Why weren't you there? You have the patience I lack in social situations. I needed you, or like, David or someone. A friend who actually can think a little deeper and make allowances for someone.'

He smiled a little. 'I'm not so sure about that. It's not always about having it... you pretend you have patience till you really do have it. Plus, you don't lack it at all. Many a time would I have lost my rag with a patient, but you kept your cool.'

'That's different though.' She said.

'Is it?'

'Yeah. I just felt like she has no right to criticise me or my actions. She wasn't being awfully understanding, I mean, she kept guilt tripping me and telling me what a state I left you in...'

He cleared his throat softly, glancing towards the cot to check the baby was still asleep before answering. 'I don't know where Jackie gets all that from, though. Certainly not me. I made a conscious effort to stay very private, you know how closed I am. We've been through how I felt, but I'm not going to keep dragging it up. I don't hold grudges, and I don't resent you for anything. You had your reasons.'

'I know all this, that's the thing,' She whispered tearfully. 'I know that you don't blame me, and I am so thankful, but I can't understand why she does.'

'I imagine it feels easier to turn the situation on its head. She was likely devastated herself, but doesn't want to reveal her emotions in that way. Makes it easier to use me as an analogy. Either way, I don't think there are any bad intentions. Of course, she came across wrong, but she wouldn't hurt you on purpose. I _know_ she wouldn't.' He reassured, smoothing out the creases he noticed that had appeared in his trousers.

Alicia sniffed. 'You're so logical, and very right. I just wish I could open my mind a bit more and see it like you do.'

'Situations like this need someone objective, don't they? Well, I'm not _objective_ , b-but—'

'Yeah, I get you. I feel awful now. I was going to ask her about things with my dad, she's probably really lonely. I jumped down her throat just because I myself was feeling vulnerable. She's right, I am selfish—'

He rolled his eyes, giving a little shake of the head. 'No, Alicia. You're not.'

Cautiously, gently, he reached for her hand.

'I...'

'You don't have to say anything,' He reassured. 'Having a mental health crisis is _not_ selfish by anyone's books, nor is using your own time to try and make amends with your mother. Nobody here is in the wrong. A little break might be best to get your head straight, then when you're ready, attempt to contact her again. It doesn't have to be over, and she won't mind waiting a little while.'

She squeezed his hand back, communicating that she was listening.

'Everyone says things they regret when they're hurting or scared. All it does it show that you care - if you didn't, you wouldn't say things. You wouldn't bother. But you do.'

'I don't know how you do it,' She said finally.

'Do what?'

'Get out of bed at the crack of dawn, do a twelve hour shift in a busy department and then come back and deliver such words of wisdom.'

'One too many life experiences for my years, that's what it is.' He replied wryly. 'What I say stands though. Don't worry about it too much, try and just be at peace with it if you can. Focus on the good. Think of our girl's face in the morning when she sees all the balloons and paper.'

One word stuck in both their minds as they crept out the room to prepare for the birthday.

 _Our_.


	21. Chapter 20

**_TheBeautifulNerd: Thank you! I did, glad you did too. Hope you like this chapter, Lily visits! X_**

'Don't you miss being a kid?' Alicia asked, clutching a mug of coffee.

'A little bit,' Ethan grunted, red in the face with determination and armed with a screwdriver to fix the toy together. 'I don't really think about it. I never got chance to enjoy it properly.'

It was the morning after Delilah's birthday, or New Year's Eve, as most people knew it - the very last day of the year. Magically, the clutter of bright colours and shapes seemed to have multiplied overnight. So many awkward objects, toys, dollies and even clothes covered what used to be carpet.

They were up early, as usual, which caused Alicia's dependence on caffeine come what may. She wasn't a morning person at all, and that was the reason that the assembling of everything was left to him. They'd sorted a few bits the previous day, but they were out the flat quite a while and so hadn't had ample opportunity to do so.

'There,' He proudly pushed the toy forward after a while. 'All shiny and new.'

Delilah looked at it for a moment, then dived for the cardboard box.

Ethan huffed, disappointment audible. 'That's right. Next time I plan a day trip, remind me to not go as far. We'll frolic in the rubbish tip all day, see what we can find.'

From the sofa, Alicia snorted. 'She'll warm to it. Hopefully.'

He turned to give her a dirty look but couldn't help smirking, throwing the tools aside in defeat. The baby looked up, expression twisted, almost displaying annoyance at being disturbed from her playing.

'Sorry, Lady Delilah. Did that bother you? You play with that box, don't mind your father. After everything we've been through together, all the memories we have, moments we've shared, tears we've shed, and this is how you thank my undying efforts?'

'Leave her be, you overdramatic goat.' Alicia rolled her eyes.

He laughed hard. 'Back to the animal references? Careful, I could get a complex here.'

'Hm,' She responded with a smile. 'Something tells me you'll survive. She's happy as larry, look at her.'

'Delilah,' Ethan called, throwing a plastic ball gently at her to get her attention.

Sure enough, her head snapped round once more. She scowled and shuffled along the carpet, picking up a bauble that had fallen from the tree.

'If babies could give the finger...' Alicia started, but was promptly stopped when a green ball hit her in the side of the head.

'That could have gone in my drink then!' She protested, picking it off her jumper and throwing it back on the floor.

He sat forward a bit, reaching for the new camera he'd bought just before Christmas and starting it up. The flat was bereft of photos; it wasn't that they had none, but more that they were all taken on his phone and it was difficult to find a day to go to the printing shop. When buying the camera frazzled in Argos, he reminded himself of all the good things that would come of it. For starters, making the house look lived in, and most importantly, documenting his daughter's childhood properly.

'Delilah,' he called. 'Say cheese!'

Instead of ignoring him, this time, and quite wonderfully, her little legs stretched and she rose to her feet, wobbly and uncertain. The glittery bauble fell to the floor.

Alicia suppressed the shriek of delight with a hand to her mouth, holding in all the noise that could blight the moment.

Ethan drew a breath carefully. 'That's it,' he whispered. 'Come to daddy.' The baby took one more step, then widened her eyes and locked them with his. 'Yes, darling, well done!'

He moved the camera carefully and set it to record, angling it from the floor with hope it would capture the moment.

'She'll never make it that far,' Alicia whispered, shaking her head. 'There's at least two metres, if not three.'

Between Ethan and Delilah, there was a disappointingly large amount of space. It was improbable, but he urged her to do it, with a desperation like never before. He needed her to do it.

The baby paused, stood still, little tired legs bending at the knees. The tension was palpable.

'Come on!' He tried to keep his voice at a steady pitch and tone, despite the bundle of nerves and excitement that was knotted in stomach. 'Daddy's here, what a clever girl you are!'

Quickly and clumsily, she managed to take another few little steps and fell into his open arms.

He swooped her up effortlessly, twirling her around until the room looked fuzzy. After coming to a stop, he planted a heavy kiss on her cheek. 'My little superstar, aren't you? Yes you are!'

Eventually he turned to Alicia, elation plastered over his face, expecting her to be just as giddy at the milestone they'd witnessed.

The silence started to feel a little strange. There she sat, legs crossed, looking out the window with bleary eyes. When sensing his eyes, she managed a crooked smile, before leaping off the sofa and exiting the room without a word. Congealed coffee spilled onto the leather, leaving Ethan to crouch and wipe it with a sleeve, baby still on one hip, clueless as to what went wrong.

-x-

A knock on the door.

Ethan fumbled for the keys, made his way over numbly and swung it open.

'Happy New Year's Eve!' Two voices chimed in unison.

'Lily, Iain! Come in, do.' He greeted warmly, pulling open the door.

His best friend looked happy, as ever, very content with life and full of smiles. There had been a marked improvement in her disposition since she'd found someone to love. It was almost like she made more of life too; she had curled her hair, bothered with makeup and wore a stylish knitted jumper and jeans. She had become more playful too. As soon as she'd unbuckled her shoes, she reached out to the baby immediately.

'It's little Lila, hi sweetie.' She cooed, stroking her cheek affectionately and shifting her on to the hip nearest the men.

'Isn't she cute, Iain?'

'Very, yeah.' He agreed with a smile, moving a thumb to tickle the baby under the chin. 'Hello cheeky!'

Delilah squirmed and buried her head into Lily's shoulder.

'Sorry, she's not so keen on men apparently. I mean, I'm not complaining.' Ethan chuckled. 'Come through. Can I get you guys a drink, or?'

Lily and Iain looked to one another.

'Uh, go on then mate. Just a cold one though. D'you have any coke?' Iain asked.

'Yeah, sure.' Ethan nodded. 'Lily?'

'Black coffee please.' She requested politely, rolling her eyes at Iain's look of outrage. 'I have a night shift tonight.'

'Certainly, that's fine,' Ethan laughed at her need to justify. 'Make yourselves at home, if you can find a square inch of the living room in which to sit down.'

'Where's Alicia then?' Iain's voice travelled through.

Ethan paused, pop bottle in hand. 'Out.'

'Out?' Iain asked. 'This early?'

'Well, it didn't stop us, did it?' Lily hissed back.

'Alright Chuckles, keep your wig on, it is early to me. You were the one that insisted on getting up at a silly hour because you went to bed when it was still bleeding light outside, not to mention—'

'Oh wind it in, Iain!' Lily said back. 'Uncle Iain is a banana brain. I don't blame you for not liking men, baby, sometimes I question it myself.'

'I'll just pack my bag then, shall I?' Iain retorted.

Lily giggled. 'No, but listen. I was...'

Ethan tuned out to their conversation as he continued pouring the drinks. There was a much more efficient way of making black coffee, the coffee machine being one, but he preferred to do it by hand. The visit was unexpected, and although welcomed, he needed a few seconds to gather his thoughts and psych himself up for it fully.

A black coffee, glass of coke, plate of biscuits, his own cup of tea. He set them aside and glanced back at the bottle still on the countertop.

Absorbed in his own thoughts and realising he had been for a couple of minutes, he called back to the living room. 'Just nipping to the loo, won't be a minute.'

The blood beat in his head as he headed to the toilet and bent down the handle. Locked, of course. He let out a sigh.

'You know who it is, let me in.' He muttered, glancing behind him to check nobody had followed him through. 'I haven't the time nor patience for silly games, open up.'

The door remained locked to his dismay. Fine, he thought. Just as there was a tiny chink of light, bit of hope that they were getting somewhere. He bent down and propped the glass up against the skirting board, leaving the digestive next to it on a piece of kitchen roll.

-x-

'How was your Christmas then?' Ethan asked, sipping the tea.

'Good thanks.' Iain replied. 'Quiet, to be fair. Lily's mum came over, we visited Gem, had a few early nights... oww!'

'What did I say about oversharing?' She shook her curls with embarrassment, bouncing the baby on her knee. 'Did you get up to much Ethan?'

'Uh, no. Ours was quiet too. Little one overwhelmed with all her gifts, we had dinner, Alicia's mum popped by, I visited Cal's grave in the evening, had a couple of drinks and went to bed. Lucky that you both got Christmas off.'

'I know, jammy. Lily went to work at 10, but it could've been worse. We've been picking up shifts over the last few days. She's doing tonight and I start at five in the morning, so... no rest for the wicked, eh?' Iain said.

'That is what they say, yeah.' Ethan nodded. 'You just missed something special as well.'

'Special?' Lily repeated, sitting forward.

'Mm. Take a look.' Ethan brandished the expensive-looking camera, passing it to Iain who had a free hand.

'Nice gift, mate.' Iain nodded.

'He means something on it, babe—' She leaned in slightly to view the screen. Delilah poked a finger over the display, causing Lily to take her tiny hand in hers to hold it back while they watched.

'Those first baby steps are so precious,' Lily whispered. 'What a beautiful video!'

'Lucky catch on camera too.' Iain added. 'Is that good for her age?'

'Yes,' Lily told her boyfriend. 'I was almost two.'

'Well, that means nothing, we all know how slow you are.' He snorted, which went ignored.

Ethan laughed uneasily. 'It's not amazing, but when you're a parent, it means the world.'

'Of course.' Lily agreed with a smile. 'Has she said her first word?'

'I can't shut her up! Daddy, mummy, car, man, gone, oh no, rainy, lights, naise for her pasta, shoes, socks, nappy, bath, Nelly for her teddy, dummy, jacket, upstairs, chee for cheese, yog for yoghurt, house, ball, juice, choc choc, bedtime, ta, vegetable-'

'Vegetable,' Iain laughed. 'Well trained then?'

'That's amazing! Clever girl.' Lily praised.

'I might try and teach her some medical jargon for fun.' Ethan joked. 'Then at the baby groups, all the parents will be discussing their child's progress, and I can say my daughter knows how to say, I don't know, pneumothorax.

'Even I couldn't say that for a good six months when I first started.' Iain confessed, receiving a scathing look from his girlfriend. 'Seriously though mate, that video is priceless. Bet Alicia will be gutted to learn she's missed it.'

'Yeah,' Ethan replied, looking down.

'Hi guys.' Alicia forced a smile, appearing in the doorway.

'Hi,' Lily whispered, loosening her grip on the baby a bit. 'How are you?'

'Good thanks, how are you? I was just in th—'

'Out, I was telling them.' Ethan nodded, averting her eyes.

'Oh,' Iain furrowed his brow, catching Lily's eye. 'Anywhere nice then?'

'Uh, just the shops. We ran out of nappies but they didn't have any.' Alicia answered.

'Mumma,' Delilah mumbled, wriggling off Lily's knee and crawling towards the door.

'So, did you go anywhere else, or—'

Lily stood on her boyfriend's toes, hard, and he quickly fell quiet.

'Drink, Alicia?' Ethan offered brightly, purposefully looking her in the eye this time.

'No ta.' She replied, bending to scoop up Delilah.

'Iain was just saying, you missed something while you were out. Luckily I got it on camera though. I know how much you'd like to see it.' Ethan said, slightly too forcefully.

'Oh, right?' Alicia's voice caught, making everybody including herself cringe. 'I'd love to see, yeah.'

Wordlessly, Iain passed the camera across to Ethan. He took it in an outstretched palm and prepared the video.

'Look, isn't she spectacular? Walking just like that.' He said, looking from the camera to her face equally.

'She is. A day after her birthday too. I wish I'd seen it.' She pressed her lips to Delilah's head lovingly. 'G-good old technology, eh?'

'Yeah.' Ethan replied, managing to be bitter in the one syllable.

'How've you been, Alicia? I haven't seen you since you've been back. Lily told me she'd been round, but—'

'Good, thank you.' Alicia nodded. 'Well, getting better.'

'I get it.' He added, then paused. 'Well, I don't get it like that, but I get how it feels. When I came out of war it was hard. I got all bogged down in my own head. Incomparable situations, I know, but I'm always here for support should you need it. I do fool around, but I have a serious side.'

'Thank you, Iain. That does mean a lot.' Alicia replied.

Lily smiled too, rubbing a hand on his knee for support. 'The same goes for me. We need a girly night. Delilah included, of course! Robyn can come too, even Louise... if you insist.'

All three looked at her incredulously. 'Bit out of character, Lils.' Ethan mumbled.

'To put it mildly!' Iain contributed. 'Since when do you ever like company of others? Ever? You must be coming down with something.'

'I tolerate you, don't I?' Lily fired back. 'Seriously though, I mean what I say. It would be nice to be friends, and there's no real reason not to be.'

'Thanks Lily, that's really genuine of you.' Alicia said. 'This little one would certainly love to spend time with her auntie.'

'No worries,' She smiled. 'That's what friends do, right?'

The conversation continued for another half an hour or so, small talk and chitchat about little things that were so often forgotten about. Alicia's eyes hadn't travelled far from Ethan's, and she'd made several attempts at miming something. He was mildly aware of this, but chose to ignore. It could easily escalate and he didn't want to be put in an awkward position, especially while guests were over. They were the priority.

Lily and Iain had said their thankyous and excused themselves, leaving a belated present for the child and promising to visit soon. The mugs had been cleared away and thrown in the sink to be cleaned later. The baby had been rocked carefully and then put in her cot for a nap. Scraps of paper picked up off the floor. Camera turned off and zipped into its case. Toys brushed aside to clear some floor space. The cushions plumped. Soon, there was nothing else for Ethan to do but turn to her.

'It best be good,' He muttered. 'Worth lying to our _friends_ for.'

'I didn't know you'd lied till you jumped in,' She explained, eyes watery.

'I'm not blaming you.' He buried his head in his hands. 'I'm not. I'm just left to feel so awkward, constantly stretching the truth and covering for you. Of course, I don't mind, but it's draining—'

'They knew I hadn't been out,' Alicia mumbled miserably, kicking a balloon aside with a socked foot.

'Yep. Talk about elephant in the room.'

'Lily was as discreet about it as she could be. She has more social tact than one would ever know, I'll give her credit.'

'Mm, she's certainly got better.' Ethan agreed. 'Why did you go out the room this morning? That caused this whole sorry mess.'

'I was feeling emotional.' She explained simply. 'Seeing her walk made me realise everything else I've missed, and how I came back just in time, and I stared to think about what would happen if you never saw me in town.'

He shook his head, doubting the medication's ability to work. 'You can't think like that. You _were_ there - you just have to be in the moment.'

'I know. You were amazing with her too, such a wonderful daddy, I just felt a bit choked up. It was beautiful to watch, I'm truly humbled by merely knowing you father her. Sounds cringey, but...'

'I get it now,' He breathed out. 'You need to think about dealing with your emotion, confronting it head on. Running away doesn't often work does it? It just makes things worse.'

'Yeah.' She sniffed. 'Thanks for the biscuit, anyway.'

'You're more than welcome. Crying often makes you hungry. That's what I've always found anyway.'

Alicia just laughed lightly. 'I shouldn't have left earlier, I need to pull myself together. I am working on it.'

'I know,' He nodded. 'Which is why I'll tell everyone on the outside whatever it takes to present you in the way you want to be seen: the mum who's confident and just popping to the shop, normal as you like. I'll do it, because one day soon, you'll be there.'


	22. Chapter 21

'So, did you try and start with someone new?' Alicia asked tentatively, inspecting her nails. It was half an hour to midnight, and they'd been talking over a Chinese and a few drinks. Neither had anywhere to go, so it made sense that they stayed in to keep one another company and see the new year in.

'Try?' He coughed. 'Yeah. I tried. Futile though, really.'

'Why futile?' She asked. 'You can't just give up on love.'

'Thanks for that. Doesn't really look like I have many other options.' He replied stiffly, giving her a look.

'Put yourself out there! I can help with another dating profile.' She suggested. 'It'd be like the good old days.'

He just shook his head, smiling, fingers tracing the rim of his glass. Either she was purposefully missing the point, or, as he feared, she truly wasn't interested in pursuing anything again. It was a bit of a blow since he thought they'd been getting somewhere. His chest ached. Not just for him, for Delilah too.

'You've gone quiet.' She observed. 'Have I said something?'

Ethan didn't reply.

'So I have then,' She sighed heavily. 'I'm not pressurising you, I just want you to be happy.'

'And I wouldn't be.' His voice rose slightly, sounding odd. 'How would I be happy like that? Searching for someone, not because I want love, but because I'm worried about being left on the shelf? No thanks, I'd rather be alone.'

'Alone? That wouldn't be fun.'

'What about you, anyway?'

'I've got baggage, haven't I? Nobody would have me.' She said, as if she'd resigned herself to that notion. 'As soon as you've got mental health history, nobody wants to know.'

'That's not true. As a doctor, how can you even come out with that? We see hundreds of patients with mental health issues that live a normal life, completely normal, _too_ normal. Our job is to reassure them that life isn't over.'

'Yeah, well.' Alicia mumbled dismissively. 'Not that straight forward.'

'Is it that you don't feel ready for a relationship? Ethan asked, quickly wincing at how forthright his words sounded aloud after a couple of beers.

It was her turn to look down, sweeping a strand of hair out her face and in doing so, revealing rosy-hued cheeks. From this, he derived a small amount of satisfaction. No response was the only response he needed in the situation.

A thumb swept his pyjama pocket, silently producing a stamp-size piece of card, so worn it was like fabric. He held it before him for a few seconds, a flicker of a smile dancing across his lips, then disappearing just as quickly. A serious expression took its place, creased and concerned.

'What's that?' Alicia whispered, pressing her own wine glass to her lips and gulping the liquid, as if she didn't really want to know.

'Just an old photo,' he answered truthfully.

'And you keep it in your pyjamas?'

He looked at it again, expression fixed and unreadable. 'Yeah, it's a Polaroid, so it fits. It's been through the washing machine a couple of times, hence its tatty state.'

She sniffed a little. 'Can I see?'

His fingers curled back over it slowly, thoughtfully. 'It— it's nothing, honest.'

'It's not nothing.' She whispered back thoughtfully. 'I'd believe you if I hadn't seen the way you've been staring at it.'

'Staring?' He choked back. 'I-I don't think I have.'

'And the stutter,' She said softly, shaking her head a little as if she knew all too well. 'Whatever you have there must be really precious.'

'I wouldn't go that far.' He replied, gently stroking the image with a thumb. His heart was in his mouth, in truth, and there was only so much disguising he could do. The pretence was transparent anyway, but he wished to bide his time as much as was possible before the inevitable happened and he passed it over.

'I get it if it's private,' She begun more carefully, selecting her words with thought. 'I'm not just anyone though, you can show me. I know it means something to you. You're a hopeless liar, always have been...'

'Hopeless.' He tasted the word. 'Ironic.'

'You're talking in riddles, Ethan, please— what's hopeless?'

Instead of responding, he leaned forward and dropped the photo onto her knee, recoiling backward in his own chair and diverting his gaze out the window. It would be easier not to witness her reaction firsthand, give them both some time to compose what they were going to say.

The silence was long, the sort of silence that was horribly loud. It was broken with a shaky intake of breath of his, lungful of air to soften the blow of whatever he'd have to respond to.

'You kept it.' Alicia said finally, little intonation, scrutinising the picture.

'Of course I did,' he replied awkwardly.

She shook her head, almost dazed. 'I did wonder where it had gone.'

'Do you remember the day?' He asked, taking another sip from the glass.

'Stupid question,' She answered with a smile. 'First day of the year, the first morning.'

'Bruise to the abdomen.' He chuckled. 'It was as if the memory wasn't enough and you needed photographic evidence of the injury you'd inflicted.'

'It was an accident!' She protested with a laugh. 'I had a new camera, I had to use it.'

'It went into my shirt pocket and never quite came out.' He took it back from her outstretched hand, careful to avoid any unsolicited finger brushes. 'We were all smiles, I suppose it just reminds me.'

'I don't know why you wouldn't want to forget.' Alicia said, leaning forward on the sofa as she spoke.

He shrugged. 'Did you forget?'

'Of course not.'

'For similar reasons then, I suppose.' Ethan said, voice small.

'Yeah, but I didn't want to forget because of the man you were. You never did me wrong, and I knew you were caring for our baby. Me, on the other hand, I've wronged you _so_ much—'

He shrugged a little, addressing her with as much honesty as he could. 'See, it doesn't work like that. Sometimes, someone could do the worst thing in the world, but you can't shake off how you feel about them.'

She stood up, brushing herself down a little. 'Off to get some water, do you want—'

'Alicia, stop.' He stood up too, voice heavy and firm despite the nerves he felt.

'Water _my backside._ ' He muttered. 'Running away, yet again.'

She opened her mouth, then closed it fast, turning away from him and walking towards the sink.

Alcohol had rid him of all inhibitions though, so he continued to pace behind her until she was at the sink. There were no aggressive intentions, simply he had grown tired of being in the dark. She spun around, fear flashing in her eyes.

'Enough is enough,' He mumbled, eyes hovering from her own eyes to her lips, then back up again.

'Enough what?' She returned, though she looked down slightly.

'You might be able to take it and take it and take it, but I can't, not anymore, and it's not fair.' He said breathlessly, expression still hard, yet something new burning in his eyes.

He reached out slightly and she flinched, drawing back and clutching the countertop with both hands.

'I'll hurt you.' She shook her head, eyes wide. 'I can't be the one to break you, not this time. I can't and I won't.'

His face contorted, hurt. 'You saw the photo, you wanted it like me—'

'But you have to know when want doesn't suffice. Whatever I want, I have to consider others. Most of all, you. Please don't put us in a position to fall again.'

He ran a hand through his hair, clutching at the ends in frustration. 'You can't see things straight.'

'No, you can't!' She replied, choked with emotion.

'Alicia, please, things have never looked clearer—'

'After three drinks?' She said unkindly, wiping hot tears from her cheeks.

'Alcohol makes zero difference. I'm a grown man, for God's sake, I can handle a few pints. The worst part of all this? I can see how much you want it. It's written all over your face, and unfortunately for you, I know you like the back of my hand. You are denying yourself because of some deluded cynicism, fear that someone will let someone else down and it will all fall apart. It doesn't have to.' He snapped.

'Why the shouting? If you wanted to kiss, you're mixing emotions here—'

Her retort did nothing but anger him further. It was as if being so blunt, actually daring to say kiss, spoiled any chance of a moment completely.

'You clearly didn't want to kiss, so it shouldn't matter how I'm talking, should it? What point are you trying to make?' He asked thickly, becoming emotional himself.

Her arms fell by her sides. 'I don't know. Let's just keep our voices down, hey? If nothing else, Delilah doesn't deserve being woken up.'

'You deserve to love and be loved. You are a wonderful woman, I have oodles of respect and admiration for you. I always have done. It has not yet wavered, and I very much doubt it ever will.' He drew another breath, idly aware of the last dodge attempt he was making. 'Even if you don't think this is right, I will still feel the way I do. Even if this goes nowhere. I am frustrated because I can see underneath the exterior you're trying to front. You've given me your rationale, but I don't care for it. I will listen to anything you say, anything at all, but not that Spiel about someone getting hurt. If you want something, you owe it to yourself to go after it without worry of consequence.'

Tears sprung to her eyes, something he was encouraged by.

'I promise you that I will do what I can, make things as easy as possible, do whatever it takes.' He went on. 'What I cannot do, however, is tiptoe around and consider the _what ifs_ for the rest of my life. I refuse to, because that would be a waste of time. Neither of us would be happy, always preoccupied with what might happen. It's good to have a friend, but not so good when all you want to do is hold them, as raw as that, and they are so close yet so far.'

She hung her head while he paused for breath.

'So, if you think you can try to move past this and begin to trust again, then we're on. All I want is to enjoy life, Alicia, and with you by my side. And our girl.' He said, taking her hand in his.

Wonderfully, for a split second, she squeezed back. Then, quickly, she pulled away once more.

He let out a whimper, anguished, like an animal in pain.

Alicia froze at this, looking even more broken than before. The kitchen seemed to have darkened, lost its cosy glow that it boasted before.

'Trust me,' He whispered, repeating the phrase over a few times till the words had staled the air. It was a plea more than anything else, an utterance of desperation born out of knowing that was truly the last chance.

Led by her, lips clashed together, almost frenzied, between kisses were gasps of need and relief. Both faces were damp, tears of an equivocal identity soaking into cheeks.

Alicia pressed her head to his chest after, still sobbing freely. His eyes squeezed shut, wanting to save the moment and hold it close, as close as the photo to his leg all those months, as close as he held her, if that were possible.

'I've got you.' He murmured into her tangled hair. 'I'm here.'

-x-

Feet stumbled, toes got stood on, bodies clumsily fell about the kitchen. They hadn't moved from their embrace-hold for longer than they'd cared to count.

'I like this song.' Alicia mumbled sleepily.

'Adele fan?' He asked.

'No, not really.' She chuckled. 'It reminds me of when I was in uni. I'd cry my heart out over a bottle of cheap wine at whatever low life wannabe handsome nurse who'd cheated on me with a guy.'

'Oooh,' he winced. 'Brutal. Though it sounds too specific an occurrence to have happened more than once?'

'Wouldn't you like to know.' She rolled her eyes, going to clasp her hands behind his neck.

'Newcastle med school that bad?' He asked. 'You've always relayed the good times to me.'

'Lots of times were good.' She nodded. 'There were just some iffy bits.'

'So, back to the song, you like it because it reminds you of a terrible time?' He asked, frowning.

'No, it makes me reminisce that's all. I always thought it was a beautiful song, if only I had someone to really associate it with.'

He smiled a little, so she smiled back.

'Only you would find that cute. I'm dead embarrassed it even came out my lips. Anyone else would throw up at that, I mean, come on. Make You Feel My Love? That's like a declaration, that's like sacrificing your soul—'

'You didn't say anything as such, you left it down to inference. Oh, and remind me what were you saying about me being the dramatic one this morning?' He asked.

'Oh, shh. You know what I mean.' She answered, leaning in again to kiss him.

He kissed back for a while. 'Look at us, dancing around the kitchen on New Year's Day morning, all half-drunk and giddy like teenagers. How different things were last year, and the year before that.'

'New Year is significant for us, isn't it?' She mused. 'Aside from being the first day of the year, obviously.'

Ethan laughed a little. 'It is. Not so much New Year's Eve, we spent that arguing. I vow to leave all bickering in last year though. New beginnings await us.'

'They do indeed.'

They continued to waltz around the little room for a while, words eventually tapering off when they ran out of things to discuss.

Ethan made sure to tighten his grip around her waist. 2018 would be a brand new start. One thing he would make certain; come the morning, she wouldn't slip out his life this time.

 ** _A: Thank you for your kind words, glad you're enjoying! Few more chapters after this. Happy NY!_**


	23. Chapter 22

_January 1st, 2018_

 _Sunlight streams through the window._

 _Ethan's eyes open immediately, a soft groan escaping his lips. This is what little over two hours sleep on the back of alcohol does to you. His head spins, his mouth is dry, his muscles ache. If he was less qualified to say, he'd put it down to flu. It's not that though, he knows exactly the reason for his death like state._

 _In his arms, there's movement and then quiet grumbling. She squints round to look at him, almost for validation, then giggles and flutters her eyelids shut._

 _'Do you feel as rough as I do?' Alicia murmurs, voice owned by sleepiness._

 _He clears his throat, rubs his eyes with his knuckles until the only thing he can see is fuzzy shapes. 'Yes.'_

 _'I'll go hunt down the painkillers,' She says, slowly beginning to sit up._

 _'... stay.' He tells her, lacing their fingers together. 'Please.'_

 _She rolls her eyes, then pauses, understanding the need he has for her reassurance. 'Literally just going for something to stop the headache. I promise.'_

 _'Better be,' He rolls over, letting her go reluctantly. 'I'll run after you, pyjama clad and all.'_

 _'I'm in no fit state to make a get away, Ethan. Behave yourself.' She replies, turning round over her shoulder and grinning._

 _'Shit, the baby—' He curses lightly to himself, weirdly forgetting his position as father._

 _He climbs out of bed, pottering through into the next room. As he walks over to the cot, he appreciates everything he has for the first time. It's beautiful. It's a family. This year would be the year of all years._

 _'Morning Delilah,' he croons softly, scooping her out of the cot and into his arms. The child had been sitting in the cot, happily amusing herself with her toys without even making herself heard. Ethan thinks she is certainly well-behaved, if it's at all possible for babies to be. For this, he is grateful. It means they were able to wake up gradually._

 _He carries her through into the kitchen, sits her in her highchair and turned round to where Alicia is crouching (by the medicine cupboard)._

 _'Paracetamol, or stronger?' She asks._

 _'Got any Anadin?' He replies._

 _'That bad?' She winces, tossing him the packet. 'No more than 300 milligrams.'_

 _'Yes doctor.' He says reluctantly, giving her a little smile._

 _'I'll get on with breakfast then. I'm going to make us pancakes and fruit - start as we mean to go on.' She pauses. 'Good food with some, but admittedly little nutritional value.'_

 _After a gulp of water, he begins to help._

 _'I stopped taking paracetamol for pain relief after my brother died,' he explains, adjusting the pan handle inwards. 'It was like it didn't work on me anymore. Too much exposure, sort of thing. That does exist, but only in extreme cases. I think I'm just an oddity.'_

 _Alicia looks up from mixing in the milk and flour. 'You're not an oddity.'_

 _He laughs a little. 'Well, it never helped. Ibuprofen helps, but it's more of an anti inflammatory, isn't it? I can't use it for everything, because what about when I'm really hurt, like with a muscular injury or something?'_

 _'I suppose,' she agrees, stirring the mixture with a wooden spoon. 'It's there to be used though.'_

 _'I know. Aspirin just seems to help more.'_

 _'Well it will do! Stronger, isn't it?'_

 _'Yeah.' He replies. 'Just thought I'd tell you.'_

 _Delilah squeals with delight, banging her fists on the tray._

 _'It's coming, my love.' Alicia moves to stroke the baby's cheek, giving a little smile in the direction of her daughter. 'All the pancakes in the world for you, big girl.'_

 _Ethan watches as this happens, feeling a rather endearing sense of love. It was the perfect family scene he'd always conjured up, one from a textbook, one that was conventional. It wasn't always good to match those descriptions, but sometimes it was nice to have a shred of normality. It was something he'd been looking for for a long time._

 _Mindful of the stove, Alicia turns and mutters something under her breath. Burnt. He feels guilty for not watching and being in a trance like some lovestruck idiot. It could've caught fire, or worse._

 _She clearly notices his worried face and funnily enough, reassures him, even though it should be the other way round._

 _'First one's always a tester. Doing my bit for birds in need this winter.' She winks._

 _'What, by allowing them to kick the bucket?' He comes out of his trance slowly, passing this remark with nonchalance that disguised amusement._

 _'As if! Won't hurt them, will it? Bit of egg, egg comes from a bird anyway—'_

 _He smacks his face into his palm. 'Yes, birdwatch, you go ahead and addle them with fried carbs. Who knows? They might even knock on the door and ask for seconds.'_

 _She giggles. 'Then it would be tough. No more tester pancakes, only the first one.'_

 _'Then it's your chance to act in the name of benevolence and give them one of yours. Or does your love of nature not stretch that far?'_

 _'Well, I don't see you offering.' She shrugs, turning round to the pan and flipping._

 _'Funnily enough, no.' He snorts, watching her carefully._

 _'Delilah could share,' Alicia suggests, catching his eye as if she knows it's ludicrous._

 _'Let's take breakfast off our 12 month old child just to satiate the bird famine this winter.' He mutters sarcastically._

 _She ignores this and concentrates on plating up the pancakes. Two little ones for Delilah, one each for herself and Ethan. 'I'm not quite sophisticated enough to do shapes yet.'_

 _He drizzles golden syrup and scatters some banana on his. 'What's the use in a shape? It's no longer a shape as soon as it's down the oesophagus.'_

 _'So cynical,' she shakes her head a little. 'The shapes are the fun bit.'_

 _He thinks for a moment, chewing the mouthful hard. 'They are shapes. Like splatters of paint, or blood, or vomit—'_

 _'That's just rude.' Alicia brandishes the knife as she makes her point, then uses it to scoop out some butter from the tub. 'None for you next time then.'_

 _'I didn't say I didn't like them,' he tells her, wiping up the excess syrup that had pooled on the plate with a fingertip. 'I'm just remarking on the aesthetic.'_

 _She finishes buttering and chopping the child's breakfast into tiny little pieces on the tray of the highchair, then brushes her hands on her pyjamas and goes to her own. In front of her, she finds an empty plate, merely decorated by crumbs._

 _'Sorry,' Ethan announces, as if he's not at all._

 _'You have literally devoured my breakfast.' She shakes her head in disbelief._

 _'I was hungry,' he admits with a laugh. 'I'll make some more.'_

 _She brushes him away as he tries to stand up to the pan, resulting in an awkward brush up closely followed by a hanging silence. He begins to realise it's not the joke he thought it was, and so contemplates grovelling. It was only a silly, little thing. A flirtatious move that would've made her cross for a moment until laughter took hold. The mood's differently though, he senses it is, and so moves closely back to the pan._

 _'I thought it was a joke, Alicia, I'm really sorry. I know it's not funny at all - actually very greedy of me. Lesson learned, safe to say, I'll make you a new one with bells on and—'_

 _'Stop flapping!' She exclaims. 'It's fine. Sit down. I was going to make round two anyway, little D is polishing hers off quickly. Look.'_

 _He turns to the highchair and her finds comments are true. Delilah hasn't yet learnt the art of using and knife and fork, of course she hasn't, so she resorts to using her rather questionable initiative. Instead of tearing bits of delicately, the baby is intent on ramming fistfuls of mashed pancake mixture into her mouth. Her chubby fingers are greasy with the butter, her face is covered in goo, but she seems otherwise quite happy with herself._

 _'Here you go,' Alicia says, depositing another pancake on his plate._

 _After she's riddled with the pan, making sure all is safe, they sit to the table properly and accompany their daughter. At first, they all are silent, even the baby, chewing their food and appreciating it._

 _They start to chatter after a few minutes pass._

 _'I'm, uh, really glad this whole thing has worked out.' Ethan nods briskly. 'Not only for us, but for our little girl too.'_

 _'Yeah.' She says quietly. 'Nice to just have breakfast, isn't it?'_

 _'It is.' Ethan feels his phone vibrate and checks under the table._

 _A message from Connie:_

 _"Didn't mean to take things out on you the other day. See you tomorrow. Oh, and tell Alicia to check her emails. Tell her there's two tickets, but don't tell her that till she's read it. I will quite happily watch little one whenever, just so you know. X"_

 _He smiles to himself, wondering what the gesture is. 'Mrs Beauchamp apologising for our little to-do the other day. She says there's something in your inbox you might want to see.'_

 _'I'll check after breakfast, it can wait.' She mumbles through a mouthful of pancake._

 _He reaches under the table for a hand. 'Listen, I know we had to take baby steps to get where we are today, so to speak. I'm glad you're here now. Watching our baby grow up will be the most magical thing in the world. It means a lot. This is only a little thing, but from it, I derive so much happiness.'_

 _She returns his smile. 'Cheers to that, and cheers to this new year.'_

 _They hold up their empty wine glasses from the night before with a little cringe of embarrassment, and toast the moment, the baby and them._

 _ **Sooo tis the end! I feel gutted but it is the right time to finish it, without it dragging on. If you liked the characters/theme I may well do a sequel of sorts in future! I have another story idea that I intend to be posting in a few days so please do stay tuned. Thanks for following my lovelies and a very happy new year!**_


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